Wednesday, August 30, 2006

News and Notes

Here at TANBR, we've been neglecting your day-to-day news, and we hope to remedy that with an informative, far-reaching update that will probably be followed up by some kind of Thunder Dan Majerle paean, instead of more news. Here we go:

- After USA basketball's 85-65 pacing of Germany, all the analysts are detailing again how this is the next Dream Team, how we have an unstoppable path to the FIBA championship. In fact, the dude delivering this opinion on ESPN News was Scott Williams, which was quite a surprise because my roommate from two years ago told me Scott Williams drowned. Although I might be thinking of Stacey King and I might have been drunk. Anyway, this was actually an impressive defensive performance, and the different looks Coach K threw at Dirk held him to three field goals. But covering Dirk Nowitzki's poor positioning on the low block and look-at-the-ball-while-dribbling drives is different from teams with more than one good player. Like Spain or Argentina, to whom we will probably lose. We should beat Greece pretty easily though.

In all this talk about Dream Teams, Bron Bron forgot it wasn't 1992 and attempted a chest-bump.

- According to, (Yes, I checked Fox Sports, that's how dedicated I am, gentle reader.) Matthew Leinart is going to be a dad. He and former girlfriend Brynn Cameron, a rising star on the USC women's basketball team, slipped one past the goalie. Normally, I'm not into this kind of gossip, but I like when bad things happen to Matthew. Call me an LSU fan.

I pretty much know he's going to haunt the rest of my football life: first, he sullied a Tigers championship, next he'll start to beat the Saints every time they play, then he'll knock them out of the playoffs someday, then he'll have enough charisma to be an NFL announcer. And I'll watch "Monday Night Football" with my son twenty years from now, stewing in hatred while I listen to his low-ball analysis, and I'll grumble, "You wouldn't understand." So an unplanned pregnancy kind of makes me smile. And if you were wondering, she's okay-looking but not as hot as you would expect from him.

It's all fun and games until you have to pay child support.

-The Warriors paid off Mike Montgomery and re-signed Don Nelson yesterday, which was unexpected and bizarre; but it's also unexpected and bizarre for a man with 1,190 wins to not be a good coach, as is also the case with Nellie. Here's what puzzles me about the situation: why would anyone coach an NBA team for more than one year?

Because of Chris Mullin's Run TMC loyalty and caprice, the last two years of Montgomery's contract have to be bought out for $5 million. Nellie signed for three years and about $18 million, which means he probably won't make the $5 million he paced from Dallas last year to do nothing. He was nominally a consultant, but he used that money to open a bar and tour the wine country. All he had to do was be humiliated by the Lil' General taking his squad further into the playoffs than he ever did. If I were a head coach, I would get fired after one year on purpose. For example, Larry Brown got $40 million to not be the Knicks head coach--shit, I'll not be the Knicks coach for $40. Set up a podium.

So if you're a Golden State fan, get ready to score 125 points a night and still lose. Take it from me, a Hornets fan, all Baron Davis needs to do is shoot more. Other than maybe the Hawks, the Warriors seem like the most hapless team around. In two years, they went from priding themselves on defense with Eric Musselman to hiring Nellie. That's like switching from asparagus to Zingers. I'm being harsh though. There's a reason he's going to the Hall of Fame, and it's not for inventing the Hack-a-Shaq. Who knows what will happen? All I know is that this guy has so much commitment to his team that he'll sit out one night for no reason and let his assistant coach.
Doesn't he just look like an alcoholic?

Speaking of the Hawks, they made two big moves this week. You probably already know about the Al Harrington deal finally going down: a sign-and-trade with Indiana, in which the Hawks gave away an 18.6 ppg player for a low first-rounder and John Edwards. The good news is that it's not Senator John Edwards (D), which I had to check, this being the Hawks. The bad news is that the Hawks still haven't fixed their deficiencies at pointguard, and they have about eight under-sized power forwards.
The second of the Hawks' shake-ups was signing Lorenzen Wright, who I just made fun of a few weeks ago. They're paying him about $6 million over two years. He's an under-sized power forward. All Atlanta needs to do is sign Mike Sweetney now.
- Eddie Johnson: eight-year-olds, dude.

- I realize this post has been kind of condescending and bitter, so here's a news item I'm actually really happy about: Dime magazine says LeBron is taking lessons in Mandarin Chinese. I love this kid so much. Don't you ever laugh at his unplanned pregnancies.

- And finally, in a news item so awesome that I couldn't make it up, Latrell Sprewell has been held under arrest for sexual assault. Apparently, he was having sex with a twenty-one-year old woman on his boat and primary residence, "Milwaukee's Best," and choked her. There's no joke here. I can't make this story any better.
This job is so easy sometimes.
- Tank

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