Hey, have you ever driven drunk? Liar.
Driving under intoxication occupies an interesting space in our culture. Pretty much everyone has done it at some point in his life, yet it's still publicly decried. It's a crime that happens all the time, but no one ever means to go drunk-driving for sport or anything. Whenever someone is caught doing it, the response is always a variation of, "I made a mistake. I didn't mean to," which satisfies most people. It's not like stealing or any other crime really, in that there isn't an intent, a place in time when one decides to do it. Can you think of any other crime for which it can be construed that other people hold responsibility for the person commiting the crime, a la Friends Don't Let Friends?
Desite or because of those reasons, DUIs are still funny. I mean, drunks are funny. We can all agree on that. So why wouldn't it be funnier by adding poor judgment and danger into that mix? And the schadenfreude associated with people being caught drunk-driving is ramped up a few notches when the criminals are head coaches of sports teams. They're father figures participating in the epitome of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do. Turns out it's kind of a cottage industry. There are blogs devoted to celebrity DUIs. There's a legal firm that borderline praises the activity. Bad Jocks even has a chart of sports figures with the highest BACs.
Today, yet another head coach, this time the Sacramento Kings' Eric Musselman, was busted nine miles from his house. Happens. Inspired by his story, I've set up a poll to see who owns the title for Best Coach DUI. Keep in mind that this has nothing to do with actual coaching ability; it's a test of comedic circumstances. Descriptions of the crime scenes are below.
1. Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen- I tried to keep this poll limited to head coaches, but I couldn't resist including Detroit's secondary skipper, who was arrested for a DUI and a strange "driving with no clothes" misdemeanor about a month ago. Workers at a Wendy's near his home called the police when a naked man pulled around in the drive-thru. Apparently, he wasn't belligerent or anything, even when the police arrived; but you have to be pretty paced to value a Big Bacon Classic more than covering your dong. Honestly, I don't know why cops put out alcohol checkpoints when they could just hang out at any fast food establishment after twelve.
"Shhh. I'm undercover."
2. 49ers ex-coach Dennis Erickson- Erickson blew a formidable 0.22 about ten years ago. I'm not a good enough researcher to find more details, but that's somewhere between unable to stand and unconscious in most people. Chili.
3. Cincinnati basketball's Bob Huggins- When stopped, Huggie Bear pleaded, "Please don't do this to me," though he later denied being drunk. Police found a considerable amount of vomit on the car's doors and dashboard. Huggins being taken away in handcuffs...here:
"Wendy's is closed, buddy. Wendy's is closed."
4. Eric Musselman- Don't vote for this one, despite it being the catalyst for this post. A) Clam-digger had passengers in the car, so he isn't the sad, pathetic, old man drunk that these other guys are. B) He blew a 0.11, which is barely even over the legal limit. C) The police caught him making a right turn from the left-hand lane, which is a pretty uncompelling traffic violation. I do it on the way to work every few days. But then again, I also get piss-drunk every few days, so I might not be the expert on this.
5. Ohio football coach Frank Solich also represented for the 216 on a night when he was found passed out with his car facing the wrong way on a one-way street. When the police found him, he had trouble rolling down his windows to answer their questions but was still coherent enough to refuse a breathalyzer.
I found a .jpg of one of Frank's dreams. That's vodka.
6. Oklahoma State basketball's Eddie Sutton- It's hard to laugh at Eddo, because he really does have a problem. After painkillers didn't help his chronic back pain, he turned to grandpa's old cough medicine, and he's never been the same since. He was driving erratically one night, swerving in and out of lanes at over sixty miles per hour, when the Force stopped him and clocked him at a dangerous 0.22. Surveillance film from earlier in the night showed that he fell down in the parking lot before even climbing into the SUV he used to crash into two cars. Who am I kidding? That's hilarious.
Just because this post is about kind of about drinking but not really, here's a song kind of about drinking but not really. In a perfect world, it would be all over your radio. And yes, the song downloads will probably stay afterthoughts.
Sleepy Brown feat. Pharrell and Big Boi- "Margarita"