Thursday, October 12, 2006

News and Notes

The regular season is approaching quickly, and some news items have been piling up on us in the past few days. So here's another edition of stuff you could find out about--with better accuracy but less personality--from any major news outlet:

- The Big Crazy developments continue. Authorities escorted him from practice today in handcuffs. He was expected to turn himself in but never did, so the cops came to get him, and a judge entered a not guilty plea on his behalf. Which Indiana judges do all the time supposedly. If he doesn't bother to change that in the next twenty days, it will stand as the official plea. Good to know that they give you almost three weeks to fit that into your schedule. Officially, it's a felony for criminal recklessness and two other charges.

"I always forget. Are you supposed to button the top one and not button the bottom one, or is it the other way around? Maybe I wrote it down and stuck it in my coat pocket. Naw, I always forget to do that too. Still have some weed in there though."

Did I mention that he lied to the police, which I believe is frowned upon as well?
Original story: Jackson fired in self-defense, after being hit with the car.
True story: Jackson fired before he was hit by the car.
Original story: Jackson said a man named Quentin Wilford punched him in the face.
True story: Jackson kicked a man named Quentin Wilford, who has a deformed arm.

The smart money says that weed in the car was Big Crazy's too.

Rick Carlisle said the following: "He'll have to catch up, and he will. He's a smart [enough] guy [to shoot at people outside of strip clubs]. He picks things [like guns] up very quickly and he's a veteran [at being arrested], so I'm not worried about it." Cars was probably going to make him do a full set of extra squat thrusts after practice, but Big Crazy had to get booked downtown, which is 2006's version of a doctor's note.

- Another big story this week was that former Nebraska standout Lawrence Phillips was arrested for trying to run three people over with a stolen car after losing a pick-up football game. Running people over with cars is pretty en vogue this week. Apparently, attempted vehicular homicide is 2006's "I'm not inviting you to my birthday party." (The metaphor machine just broke.)

You've got to think it's some kind of pyhrric victory for Phillips to be in the news at all though. Some part of him was probably satisfied that he was on the front page of websites for something. You'd think a person would get it together after he throws his girlfriend down a flight of stairs and is still drafted a month later. But here we are, multiple arrests and ten years of squandered talent later. It's a shame though. Dude really used to be the shit.

- In what's probably a bid to stand out among all the other seven foot projects the Sonics have, Robert Swift has made some drastic changes to his appearance:

"Do you see what happens, Robert? You see what happens? You see what happens when you hang out with Reggie Evans?"

The generic And 1 rip-off tattoo is a nice touch. It's such a cliche by now that it's a customizable option in NBA Live. Well, I guess people grow their hair long and get tattoos in college, and Robert Swift never went to college so...

- Chuck Klosterman wrote a positively giddy article for Esquire this month, in which he babbles incoherently about his excitement for the upcoming season:



"The league has never had this many transcendent players at the same time. Never. Kobe Bryant is probably the second-best player of all time, but he might be only the third-best player in the league. Dirk Nowitzki is arguably the third-best forward in the Western Conference and possibly the second-best forward who has ever lived. LeBron is LeBron, and he is about to become 'LeBron.' It makes no sense, but it's all true."



Read it if you get a chance, along with everything he's ever written.

- Just in time for the JJ Redick inaugural season, the NBA has promised to crack down on players complaining and disputing calls. In the Celtics' opening preseason contest, Mark Blount tested the system, once by throwing his hands up in disgust, once by just kind of mouthing one of them cussin' words, and was ejected from the ball game. Here are the fines in place for the season. (These were put into place last year, but no one really mentions that.):


  1. $1,000 for each of the first five techs
  2. $1,500 for the next five
  3. $2000 for the five after that
  4. $2,500, plus a one-game suspension, for each technical after fifteen.
  5. No consequences at all if you're Tim Duncan.

Astonishingly, homeless-looking 'Sheed Wallace threw in his two cents (And if he equals his tech mark of last year, he'll be throwing in $25,000 and three games--LOLlerskates!): "What happens if I am one of the captains? Does that mean I can't talk to them? You can't talk back to them like they're your mom and dad. It's like they're saying, 'If you say something to me I am going to put you on punishment.' That's how it is. I will come up with some way to tell them how I feel."


"Look, my hair just doesn't grow there, okay?"

This new outlook might crack down on arguments, but, more importantly, I hope it encourages players to make their technical fouls count. I need more people knocking over tables of Gatorade and throwing their jerseys into the crowd. It'll also keep coaches from putting up those Norman Dale fire-up-the-team T's too though. Toss-up I guess.

- As the complaints about the new ball mount (apparently all lines to Stern's office were busy for Madsen), David Stern, a.k.a. Jewish Scarface, has said players will eventually stop worrying and love the new ball: "As the players get more used to it, it will become less and less of an issue for us." Maybe the NBA's next move can be to fine people for not promoting the new design--available to the public in, yes, toy stores on opening night! Basically, in typical hardness, the Hebrew Tony Montana has said that this isn't a negotiation. Go do your homework, Rasheed. Watch the NFL Network, bitch.

- Jewish Scarface was interviewed about the issue at the Sixers' preseason game in Cologne, Germany, where he saw someone in a counterfeit green-and-yellow Allen Iverson jersey. It upset the Commish, but only in that bemused way in which he still doesn't reveal any weaknesses or agitation: "I knew there was some hanky-panky. It was over the top." Dave then decided that he liked the jersey and replaced Hardwood Classics nights with Counterfeit Uniforms You Get from German Street Vendors with a Lack of Detail...wait for it...nights.


I have reached the end of the Internet.

- Your New Orleans Hornets shined on Tuesday, beating the Mavs 84-81. David West was the standout with 17 points on 7 of 10 shooting. Cedric Simmons also looked good, hitting a crucial shot with a minute left to seal the victory. In other news, preseason games mean nothing.

- Apparently a baseball player was killed in a flying accident? I don't know anything about planes.

It seems kind of non sequitur in this post, but I originally meant to incorporate more hip-hop into these posts, and I haven't. So just because I bought a pair today, here's:
Da Pack- "Vans (Diplo's 'Til Infinity Remix)"

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