Monday, November 06, 2006

I'm Not Feeling the Sweater Vest- Week One

You may remember that last year Jewish Scarface unilaterally decided his players should dress as if they had real jobs, and, as planned, the decree had a ripple effect across the league. On one hand, it revealed the greed behind many players like Marcus Camby, who wanted "some kind of an allowance from the NBA" to pay for his gear. After accepting the changes though, the majority of the league embraced the dress code and realized, "Hey, I can spend way more money on a suit than I ever could on a throwback jersey!" which is all this is really about. With all that money and none of that experience dressing up, some sartorial trainwrecks were bound to occur. That's where TANBR comes in. What you're about to read (or close with a "This website is getting so gay" sneer) is the first installment of what will become a weekly feature: I'm Not Feeling the Sweater Vest. In it, we'll showcase pictures of players arriving at games and grade their outfits. Because, you know, I'm an expert and stuff.


Stevie Franchise

Francis provides all the gray matter the Knicks need (loltending). Just as he does on the court, he's over-extending here. With one or two fewer pieces, he could pull this together, but bold pinstripes with a sweater vest with an overcoat is overkill. Even losing the tie would make a huge difference. There's nothing wrong with any one thing he's wearing--it's all about the combination. For instance, without the coat and/or tie, the vest could be a natural way to class this up, but as it stands...wait for it...I'm not feeling the sweater vest. It could be a lot worse though. From what I can see, the pants fit him well, and he's wearing them where they're supposed to be.

C+


AK-47

Kirilenko dressed down for his game last Tuesday; he must have been going home to his wife. I'll try to not let the fact that he's making the international symbol for "pace" affect my grade. Jokes aside, I really like this. The combination of such a dark blue on the shirt with black everywhere else shows that he isn't trying too hard, but it's also a natural enough pairing to keep from being a distraction. I would have liked for him to flash some belt instead of hiding it with the jacket, but the jacket fits. A nice casual look.

B


Steve Nash

Nash always thinks he dresses with more flair than he actually does. For example, in the actual wording of the dress code, it says that players can wear "dress jeans." Since no one really knew what that meant, he tested it by wearing the rattiest jeans he could find with dress shoes. And he's Steve Nash, so there was no controversy, and no one cared about his clothes. In a month, he'll start showing off his peacoat collection too. He went for a more formal outfit last week, and he makes the mistakes most NBA players do. To over-compensate for their height, they wear three-button suits, which lengthen them even more in reality. While you'd think pant length would be an issue with players raised wearing baggy jeans, sleeve length on the shirts and coats has been much more of a fashion casualty. Nash does both here. I'm not too excited about the drab shirt-and-tie combination, especially with this color suit.

C


Peja "I Still Need a Nickname" Stojakovich

I'm thinking of just giving Peja a generic nickname like Butch or Duke. Let me know in the comments whether or not that would be permissible. As for this outfit, it's probably the cream of the crop. He's shooting a little bit of shirt cuff from under that jacket. He's wearing the pants at his waist. He's juggling pinstripes on the suit with slightly larger stripes on the tie, and that juxtaposition of stripe sizes is what keeps this from being dizzying. And you can't go wrong with a crisp, white shirt.

A


B-Dizzle

Dude's ready to show Neo where the next key is. I have no idea what that outerwear is supposed to be. At least, it looks like outerwear. Those banded cuffs make it all the more confusing, and the shoulders look baggy and tight at the same time. The one thing he has going for him, as far as I'm concerned, is the man purse, which is relying heavily upon the NBA for its propagation. But while A.I. likes Coach and Bron Bron totes Louis Vuitton, Baron Davis is rolling with some kind of nylon he got at a sporting goods store. It's probably got his back medicine in it.

D


Mamba

That's a good shade of gray to contrast with the salmon, and the tie is gorgeous with an understated knot. Look how much better a two-button suit looks on a tall person. A little too much coordination though. If the faint pinstripes on the suit weren't the same color as the shirt, or if the pocket square had been the cream color on the tie instead of the salmon, he would have looked a lot less like my grandma's dining room. Maybe a plaid pattern would have been a better choice than pinstripes. Because if you're wearing a gray and pink suit, why not go all the way?

C+


Andrea "The Magician" Bargnani

The jacket looks a bit tight in the chest and big in the shoulders, but The Magician's perfect posture might be deceiving me there. The stripes on the shirt aren't the same color as his pewter tie, but they're close enough to compliment it, which is--other players take note--what you're supposed to do. You can't see it well in this picture, but those jacket buttons have some gold in them, which is a daring but successful choice. I wish I could see the shoes, because that's where Italian men get all crazy--here I am complimenting him when he's probably wearing some shiny cobalt shits with tassels flying everywhere. I also would have liked a man purse a lot more than that laptop case or whatever.

B

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