Monday, November 13, 2006

I'm Not Feeling the Sweater Vest- Week Two

Welcome back to the favorite TANBR column of people who don't give a shit about basketball.


Alan Henderson

Quick: Name Alan Henderson's current team. You saw Andre Iguodala behind him, cheaterpants. In true form, even Alan Henderson's clothes can't elicit an opinion from me. He's kind of the NBA's version of Aidan Quinn. I guess Aidan Quinn is a good actor--he's been in a whole lot of movies, which is more than most actors can say--but can you name one of his films? Can you remember one particular scene or moment involving Aidan Quinn? I know who he is but absolutely nothing about him. What can you say about Henderson's outfit here? He's playing it so safe with the charcoal suit and unbuttoned white shirt that he's critic-proof. The coat's a bit long, but I've got nothing else. It kind of looks as if he has all the buttons to the coat fastened--ill-advised, Al. Throw on a hat or something at least.

C


'Zo Mourning

That's what I'm talking about. It's about time someone broke out a hat. It doesn't match too closely with anything he's wearing, which I like since coordinating the tie with the pocket square is enough. The square, by the way, looks great flushed into the pocket with a spontaneous elan--Riles must have shown him how to do it. If you look closer, that's a classy pattern on the tie, but it would have been set off much better with a plain cream shirt, as opposed to the tiny stripes he's sporting. His coat's sleeves are embarrassingly baggy too. I'll give the Incredible Hulk style points for pacing a Bible though.

B


Kyle "Werewolf at 3:00 PM" Korver

W.W.@3 is trying to make a formal look more casual, a feat in which he fails admirably. The crisp collar overlaps the sweater naturally, but the untucked shirt looks studied. It seems as if A.I. told him to do it as they were getting off the bus. Likewise, the watch peeks out effortlessly, but the loosened tie (with an uneven knot no less) is effortfull. To balance this, the tie needs to be pulled up or the v of the sweater needs to plunge lower. Maybe you can kick it like that at Fordham, but this ain't no bank robbery.

C-


Bron Bron

For someone who supposedly grew up on the mean streets of Akron, where did King James learn to dress like such a dandy? I'm asking that seriously. Who in his life took him aside at some point and was like, "Bron, you should wear carnations on your lapels and only sport spread collars with windsor knots. And vests. Always vests"? He's not getting it from MJ or anyone else like that, but it happened at some point. Brush off them haters with a designer man-bag, playa. As usual, his shirt is the problem here. He insists on these ornate three-button cuffs, when my man should be using links at this point, and the shirt matches the pants too much, as if he didn't know what to do otherwise. But his clothes cut a perfect silhouette--the pants are at his waist, the vest isn't bunched up. I love that tie as well. And he gets away with wearing headphones outside of the bus, which is a dress code violation. Impressive.

A-


Rip Hamilton

Even as casual looks go, this is the bare minimum. Terrabull. Buttoning the top-button on the shirt is desperate. If you're going to wear an undershirt under it, have it untucked and long, and pair it with stone-washed jeans, you're better off with the damn collar open. Plus, if it didn't have a Jumpman logo, that jacket would look downright math teachery. You, sir, aren't worthy of a designer man purse. The effort grade is lower than this:

D


Stevie Franchise

You have to hand it to Francis: he takes risks. Overall, this is a drastic improvement from last week, mostly because of the fabric contrast between the jacket and tie. I love the way the rough, velvet texture of the jacket sets off the slick, shiny tie. The jacket also fits well in the shoulders and chest. The pants might be a bit baggy, but I'm not sure from this angle. I don't blame him for staying conservative with the shirt, but it looks a bit too much like he's getting a catfish dilly after mass.

B


Danny Granger

If, as I wrote above, Steve Francis' outfit is catfish dilly, this is glazed donuts and orange drink on the steps of church. I like the shoes (and yes, yes, the man bag, though I'm trying simultaneously to stop mentioning them and invent a more entertaining term for them), but the rest of this blue miasma needs to go. It's baggy in the legs, it's hideously pleated, and it's a four-button coat, as if three wasn't lengthening enough. Actually, I think my mom bought that tie for me at Burlington Coat Factory or Stein Mart for $13. I exchanged it for a nicer $10 tie and wasted the difference on candy. No wonder he's making an Urkel face. And if you like this suit, if you think I'm being unfair, I'll see you at Old Navy.

D+

1 comment:

P.T. said...

I've often heard 'murse' as a popular expression for the man purse. Personally, I can't wait for the day Jonathan Clay paces one just to fit in.