Monday, April 02, 2007

LiveAIMing the National Championship Game:

Tonight, the two SuperPrograms meet almost three months after that epic Glendale nailbiter. We should get our fill of Urban Meyer and the Sweatervest in the stands, and Troy Smith and Chris Leak have nothing better to do. We're always apprehensive of unanimous expert picks, but it's hard to pick against the Gator starting five. We're supremely jealous of Florida's athletic department right now, but have nothing against these five, and actually like Al Horford and Lee Humphrey, the shooting guard alongside Tyler Hansbrough on the White Guys Who Look Like They Could Break Down Crying At Any Moment Squad.

For the guaranteed sarcastic comedy buffet available, the two editors-- Tank and P.T.-- have agreed to share their in-game AIM thoughts with fellow TANBRines.

The CBS Pregame Show has started.

Ace the Hardass (8:01:25 PM): I was all set to live-AIM some "Two and a Half Men," and then this shit came on.
a PT production (8:01:35 PM): i kinda like this opening sequence
a PT production (8:01:49 PM): except a nut can kill you-- the buckeye is poisonous
Ace the Hardass (8:02:32 PM): It's kind of a weird thing to be proud of.
a PT production (8:03:35 PM): i didn't realize until december that andy katz and seth davis are different people


Appearing in the Chick-Fil-A of a university quad near you.

Ace the Hardass (8:04:36 PM): "stat sheet stuffer supreme"
a PT production (8:04:42 PM): CBS is such an old man network
Ace the Hardass (8:04:53 PM): How long was Clark Kellogg working on that before they went on the air?
a PT production (8:05:13 PM): that was probably his verbal exercise
Ace the Hardass (8:06:03 PM): Hey, why is the NCAA basketball trophy so cheap-looking? Football gets a crystal ball, and basketball gets some Key Club plaque.
a PT production (8:06:14 PM): there's a waterford crystal basketball, too
Ace the Hardass (8:06:40 PM): Are you sure it's Waterford? They might only get a Mikasa.
Ace the Hardass (8:07:05 PM): They're going to keep Jo and his dance moves far away from it.
a PT production (8:07:02 PM): yeah... the BCS would always make it a point to specify that it was indeed waterford
a PT production (8:07:30 PM): i like horford the most... that dude's 6-to-8 foot fadeaway is unstoppable
a PT production (8:07:34 PM): until oden paces it
Ace the Hardass (8:07:59 PM): Horford's going to be a great pro. I like him a lot too.
Ace the Hardass (8:08:51 PM): I don't think I've ever seen Thad Matta not sweating.
a PT production (8:08:55 PM): sam ryan appears to use Mane & Tail
Ace the Hardass (8:09:51 PM): Yes! I love seeing the locker room talks.
a PT production (8:09:49 PM): thad matta has an alcoholic's nose. don't ask me to explain it, but that's always what i think of
a PT production (8:10:44 PM): eventually, locker room talks will become tongue-in-cheek
a PT production (8:10:57 PM): but now all the cliches are sincere
Ace the Hardass (8:11:26 PM): "We talked about the horse race..."
Ace the Hardass (8:11:56 PM): It would have been awesome for Corey Brewer to jump up during that part and slip on the floor, Zack Morris style.
a PT production (8:12:44 PM): what could make saxophones cheesier? oh, coloring them orange and blue?
Ace the Hardass (8:13:15 PM): Maybe if the guys playing them had those sunglasses with orange and blue lenses. That would be worse.
Ace the Hardass (8:13:50 PM): Quick: name a white dude on Florida's bench.
a PT production (8:13:54 PM): um...
a PT production (8:13:59 PM): trick question, there are none?
Ace the Hardass (8:14:24 PM): I don't know. Just now I saw a lot of people who have definitely never unsnapped their warm-up pants.
a PT production (8:15:33 PM): i just hope this is halfway decent. saturday's games were terrabull. i think jeff green is still taking one dribble and passing to his guards.
Ace the Hardass (8:16:33 PM): I don't expect this to be close. Florida won by 26 or something the first time they played.
Ace the Hardass (8:16:44 PM): I do think the refs are going to lay off Oden though.
Ace the Hardass (8:16:54 PM): He'll be huge.
a PT production (8:17:29 PM): but ohio state's won 22 in a row, and their three losses are wisconsin, florida, and UNC. and they're playing their best ball right now
a PT production (8:17:57 PM): i think florida peaked during that winning streak at the beginning of february
Ace the Hardass (8:18:37 PM): I don't believe that. As long as Florida defends the three, they'll win easily. They're just too balanced. And they've got that weird anti-swagger.
Ace the Hardass (8:18:55 PM): Like, they expect to win, but they still fight for it. I don't know what you call that.
Ace the Hardass (8:19:09 PM): They pretend they're underdogs.
a PT production (8:20:07 PM): it's pretty difficult to maintain the anti-swagger when every "expert" picks you to win easily. i think they'll win, but i'm optimistic it will be close
Ace the Hardass (8:21:05 PM): Why can't people wear over-sized t-shirts in the NBA? You know how much that would improve things
a PT production (8:21:17 PM): i don't know what hibbert's going to do
a PT production (8:21:42 PM): i really like the name 'taurean,' by the way
Ace the Hardass (8:21:53 PM): Ben Gordon would go back to rocking it, and I can definitely see Gilby with a white tee to his elbows.
Ace the Hardass (8:22:14 PM): Yesterday at the store, a mom yelled at her son named Midas. That's my new favorite.
a PT production (8:22:34 PM): "don't touch, midas!"


beleaguered- (adj.) LeBron's dad

The game has started.

a PT production (8:23:12 PM): the NCAA used to be so much cooler. there would've been a UCLA/Georgetown consolation game this afternoon
Ace the Hardass (8:23:18 PM): It's a pretty hopeful name though. If your name is Midas, you better be a badass.
a PT production (8:23:22 PM): if it were 1973
Ace the Hardass (8:23:49 PM): A consolation game would be so meaningless though. It would end up being an alley-oop-off.
Ace the Hardass (8:24:27 PM): LeBron's Dad was in the lane for about seven seconds there.
a PT production (8:24:34 PM): no defensive three seconds in college
a PT production (8:24:46 PM): that's going to be his hardest transition to the league
Ace the Hardass (8:25:05 PM): Quit correcting me.
Ace the Hardass (8:25:12 PM): With things that are true.
a PT production (8:25:40 PM): perfect play by OSU
a PT production (8:25:47 PM): oden gave it up after the double team
Ace the Hardass (8:26:23 PM): Is Jo Noah wearing Reebok Blacktops?
a PT production (8:26:45 PM): they're definitely no higher than 3/4s
a PT production (8:27:20 PM): by the time you reach a championship, the teams are good enough that billy packer has to start complimenting things
a PT production (8:28:02 PM): my dream would be to have Bill call a 6-8-year-old girls' elementary school league game
Ace the Hardass (8:28:10 PM): By the end of this game, Conley is going to be like a 2001 Juan Dixon.
Ace the Hardass (8:28:22 PM): As far as Jim Nantz butt-licking goes.
Ace the Hardass (8:28:55 PM): "She should have wrapped that ball up and given it to Lindsay like a present!"
Ace the Hardass (8:29:42 PM): 2004 Juan Dixon. I think he would have been a high school senior in 2001. I'm getting old.
a PT production (8:29:37 PM): i want oden to get called for hanging on the rim
a PT production (8:29:48 PM): the leg kick's a little excessive
Ace the Hardass (8:30:01 PM): I don't want anyone getting called for hanging on the rim. Ever. That's another thing I would change.
a PT production (8:31:03 PM): oden fascinates me. i want to see oden at a funeral. or after a car accident. or drunk. or at a carlos mencia show. just to see his facial expressions
Ace the Hardass (8:31:56 PM): He looks so haggard all the time. I keep on waiting for him to yell, "Milk was a bad choice!"
a PT production (8:32:35 PM): ha. well, the beard definitely helps
a PT production (8:32:59 PM): why is oden 25 feet from the basket, again?
Ace the Hardass (8:33:22 PM): Me: Chuck Klosterman::Billy Donovan: Pete Carroll. No, seriously, Billy. Good April Fool's joke. The players love you.
a PT production (8:34:28 PM): i'm a fan of donovan, actually. he's going to UK, but at least he didn't come out and deny it. he's a class act, i think
Ace the Hardass (8:35:18 PM): That's a terrible move on his part though. I don't care how prestigious a job it is, Florida is such a better state for recruiting.
a PT production (8:36:08 PM): he's already got the ties in florida, though. kentucky will give him absolutely anything he wants, and billy's got to be envious of coaching a basketball school.
a PT production (8:36:36 PM): as good as UF has been the past two years, the average gator fan would rather beat tennessee in football next year than win this
Ace the Hardass (8:36:53 PM): That's a good point. I'm sure people will do the whole "Hey, he knows all of Florida's secrets!" thing too.
Ace the Hardass (8:37:33 PM): How awesome would it have been to be a freshman at UF this year?
a PT production (8:37:30 PM): just come out and say it, Jim: Brewer got hit in the nuts
a PT production (8:39:07 PM): is conley leaving, do you think?
a PT production (8:39:44 PM): i mean, his dad-- Mike Conley, Sr.-- registered as a sports agent a month ago. why am i even asking...
Ace the Hardass (8:40:05 PM): Really?
a PT production (8:40:16 PM): yeah, i saw something about it on PTI
Ace the Hardass (8:41:11 PM): There aren't enough pointguards in this draft. It's probably a good move.


In the early nineties, I remember reading some alarmist article in Newsweek about the future of "doctoring photos." It showed a picture of O.J. without Bruno Maglis on, then a picture with the shoes realistically PhotoShopped onto him. We were supposed to believe that no future photographic evidence would be reliable; that what our eyes saw could no longer be believed. Turned out it was pretty harmless.

Florida 17, Ohio State 13, 11:47 First Half.
a PT production (8:41:24 PM): when is the "Lighty.... is flighty!" Nantzism coming?
Ace the Hardass (8:42:03 PM): Your dad registering as a sports agent is kind of like the lead singer of a band releasing a solo album. The wheels are turning.
Ace the Hardass (8:42:27 PM): Nantz isn't really himself yet. He must still have Augusta on his mind.
Ace the Hardass (8:43:01 PM): Maybe his dad just wanted to get registered. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Just looking for a new job opportunity.
Ace the Hardass (8:43:05 PM): That would be sweet.
Ace the Hardass (8:43:29 PM): What exactly is involved in "getting registered" anyway? Is there a test? Do you get sworn in?
a PT production (8:43:33 PM): i'm not sure
a PT production (8:43:52 PM): i'm guessing Akron's Finest's sports "agents" aren't registered
a PT production (8:44:36 PM): if there's a test, drew rosenhaus got the highest score, ever, though
Ace the Hardass (8:45:22 PM): 1. Your client is doing sit-ups outside his house in front of cameras. What platitude do you tell the media?
a PT production (8:45:34 PM): Peace.
Ace the Hardass (8:45:44 PM): Oden just destroyed him.
a PT production (8:45:52 PM): it was more of a two-handed mid-air steal than a block
Ace the Hardass (8:46:32 PM): He seems to enjoy pacing it against the backboard, which I'm quite a fan of. I like that more than knocking it into the stands.
Ace the Hardass (8:46:37 PM): LBJ, Sr. is heating up.
a PT production (8:47:15 PM): he had a quote about tearing the rim off after the G'town game. i'm starting to like LeBron James, Jr.'s grandfather.
Ace the Hardass (8:47:43 PM): His 1st foul comes with 9:19 left in the first half. That's pretty good.
a PT production (8:48:42 PM): OSU's in pretty good shape, i think. conley is the heart of this team, of course UF's going to go on a run when he's benched.
Ace the Hardass (8:49:37 PM): I don't think I've seen Noah play zone yet. He's the anti-Kobe on defense.
a PT production (8:49:55 PM): so, Kobe's the MVP this year, right?
Ace the Hardass (8:50:30 PM): Salesgenie.com commercial!
a PT production (8:50:50 PM): it's your favorite.
Ace the Hardass (8:51:01 PM): Sorry. Yeah. I'd give it to him. Some people are still saying Dirk, but I think there's enough of a west coast bias for Kobe to pull it out.
a PT production (8:50:58 PM): they save it for the really big sporting events
Ace the Hardass (8:51:32 PM): "Working hard is for fools. I work smart."
a PT production (8:52:35 PM): i remember it was shown once on saturday, and one of the guys i was watching it with made a good point: all these work-at-home frauds... what exactly are you selling, anyway?
Ace the Hardass (8:52:42 PM): When he says "fools," or whatever he says there, it reminds me of the TV-edited version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, when Spiccoli is having that surfing dream, and he exclaims, "Those guys are [fags] LAME!" It seems really awkward, as if it was dubbed over. Maybe that's just me. I've put a lot of thought into the salesgenie.com commercial.
a PT production (8:52:54 PM): i made $30,000 last month alone in sales. of what?
Ace the Hardass (8:53:04 PM): They never say it once. It's just like...accounts.
Ace the Hardass (8:53:32 PM): I guess if you're a good enough salesman, it doesn't matter. Always be closing.


Just for good measure.

Florida 23, Ohio State 19, 6:37 First Half.

a PT production (8:54:14 PM): White. Dude.
a PT production (8:55:08 PM): oden's definitely been saving some of those offensive moves. i'd never seen that double-spin before.
Ace the Hardass (8:55:20 PM): This might be a good game, dude.
Ace the Hardass (8:55:40 PM): He has good footwork. For all of my criticism of him, he's pretty fully-formed.
a PT production (8:56:08 PM): until he goes to Memphis and we never hear from him again
Ace the Hardass (8:56:26 PM): "They call him Microwave...because he can heat up quickly."
a PT production (8:56:48 PM): really, there are so many devices that heat up faster than microwaves. i hate CBS.
Ace the Hardass (8:58:17 PM): I just like that you have to explain the nickname though. I was assuming he converted microwave rays into heat. I thought it was an electromagnetic spectrum thing.
a PT production (8:58:18 PM): timeout, Thaddeus
Ace the Hardass (8:58:34 PM): Time for a drink, Thad.
Ace the Hardass (8:58:58 PM): Who's the better mascot: Albert or Brutus?
a PT production (8:59:13 PM): really, Oden tires that easily? KD played something like 49 minutes in that OSU 3OT game.
Ace the Hardass (9:00:06 PM): Gregory, I hate to break it to you, but whichever team drafts you is going to need you for more than ten minute stretches.
a PT production (9:00:24 PM): they're both excellent... but it's Brutus. for the same reasons that the Syracuse Orange is also one of my favorites. you throw reality out the window with mascots. just make the heads as inane as possible. the large circular heads really do it for me.
a PT production (9:00:52 PM): they both feature an old-school sweater, which is classic
Ace the Hardass (9:01:20 PM): The alligator body is much more wobbly and mascoty though.It's very awkward. (I'd pick Brutus too, but I'm playing devil's advocate.)
a PT production (9:02:01 PM): "Forensics be jammin' a brother up." i think Method Man was in a couple episodes of The Wire Season 2, playing a character named Cheez. at least it was someone who looked exactly like him
Ace the Hardass (9:02:58 PM): A rapper winning a guest spot on "The Wire" is pretty much the holy grail. That's like my fiancee being chosen for "Trading Spaces" or something.
a PT production (9:03:22 PM): i didn't think it was possible, but Season 2 was better than Season 1. i love that show.
Ace the Hardass (9:04:09 PM): Once I watch season six of "Sopranos," I might try it. I watched the first three episodes. Some of it was brilliant, but I just wasn't into the characters yet.
a PT production (9:04:42 PM): it's exhausting to watch it sometimes. they balance anywhere between 40 and 60 characters in the first two seasons.
Ace the Hardass (9:05:46 PM): As long as they can make it work, I don't mind. But late "Sopranos" started to have way too much going on. They act like one of the character's storylines is the most important thing going on, then they don't mention it for three episodes.
a PT production (9:06:14 PM): that's Lost's biggest problem right now. but The Wire pulls it off, for the most part
Ace the Hardass (9:06:32 PM): How does Oden already have six boards? I missed that.
Ace the Hardass (9:07:34 PM): Horford has an old man jumper. He kind of leans back as he's shooting, knocking his knees together.
a PT production (9:07:45 PM): Florida's going to run away with this. UF's supposed to be a second half team
Ace the Hardass (9:08:28 PM): Thad Matta kind of looks like Dabney Coleman without a moustache. I mean, I agree with you.
Ace the Hardass (9:09:14 PM): Packer makes a good point. My man Humphrey hasn't gotten one good look.
Ace the Hardass (9:09:26 PM): Humphrey...more like Harumphrey.
a PT production (9:09:41 PM): they haven't had to run plays for him yet. green and brewer are shooting well enough

Florida 40, Ohio State 29, Halftime.

a PT production (9:11:06 PM): how frustrating would it have been to experience those 11 straight UCLA titles under wooden? i wouldn't be watching college basketball anymore, that's for sure.
Ace the Hardass (9:12:21 PM): How many douchebags would be walking around with UCLA hats? Oh, really? You're a fan?
Ace the Hardass (9:17:36 PM): How much of Noah's ethos is wrapped up into that ponytail? What would happen if Taurean were to clip it off in his sleep or something?
a PT production (9:18:54 PM): i think it's the eyebrows, too. i wonder if Jo always keeps the ponytail bushy like that, or slicks it back when he goes out or dresses up.
Ace the Hardass (9:19:47 PM): That would look worse. Part of it is the teeth too. It's just a total package of ugly. I really can't even come up with a goofy metaphor for it.
a PT production (9:20:12 PM): what is dick enberg going to talk about during his Old Man Tournament Recap, anyway? it's always something like, "George Mason continued their Cinderella run..." this year's is just "The game was close... and then the favorite won in the final minute."
Ace the Hardass (9:20:39 PM): He'll probably forget where he is and start talking about tennis.
Ace the Hardass (9:21:42 PM): Enberg has tennis, Nantz has the Master's, Yannik Noah has pretending that he's Archie Manning.
a PT production (9:21:57 PM): KD's got to thank Weezy, too
Ace the Hardass (9:22:13 PM): That reminds me, we haven't gotten one shot of the poor man's Archie Manning.
Ace the Hardass (9:22:32 PM): Hands? Is this for real?
a PT production (9:22:27 PM): my french friends were delighted with every Yannik shot
a PT production (9:22:36 PM): HANDsome season.
Ace the Hardass (9:23:23 PM): This is gay.
a PT production (9:23:30 PM): this is exactly what i want from dick enberg.
Ace the Hardass (9:23:52 PM): I think that's the score from City Slickers.
a PT production (9:24:09 PM): we could've spent a year coming up with a Dick Enberg spoof, and it wouldn't have been 10% as funny as that
Ace the Hardass (9:24:16 PM): Sell it, Dick.
Ace the Hardass (9:24:26 PM): You have to hand it to him.
a PT production (9:24:43 PM): he really used everything but handjob
Ace the Hardass (9:25:10 PM): He might have snuck it in there. I was laughing.
a PT production (9:25:40 PM): i remember my grandfather hated Dick Enberg. he just wanted to watch golf every Sunday, not hear about Payne Stewart's family.
Ace the Hardass (9:27:32 PM): My grandfather watched golf on mute. He had one of those huge, square, brushed nickel universal remotes, and he would put his glasses on and punch the mute button just after turning on the TV.
Ace the Hardass (9:27:37 PM): Good times.
a PT production (9:27:47 PM): i can't wait to be old.
Ace the Hardass (9:28:42 PM): I can't imagine us getting much more cynical. We're just going to actively hate people. There won't be any cheeky joy involved.

The second half begins.

a PT production (9:28:52 PM): of all the players on the court, Brewer looks the most like he could kill me with his bare hands.
Ace the Hardass (9:30:30 PM): Yeah. Noah probably sleeps with a stuffed animal named Harvey.
a PT production (9:30:50 PM): apparenly Yannik is a music producer in France now
Ace the Hardass (9:31:21 PM): What? That's so random. How did that happen?
Ace the Hardass (9:31:38 PM): You know what? I've been thinking...I want to be a music producer in France.
a PT production (9:31:35 PM): my french friends say it's terrible, even for french pop.
Ace the Hardass (9:32:09 PM): He looks the part at least. He's got the L.A. Reid shades.
a PT production (9:33:28 PM): i'm not really a fan of the microphone near the rim. i know what metal clanking sounds like. the only soothing sound from that is the nothing-but-net swish


That. Just. Happened.

a PT production (9:34:40 PM): this is exciting basketball, though. oden will last about 6 minutes in this half.
Ace the Hardass (9:35:04 PM): Ohio State is going to take a bite out of this lead.
Ace the Hardass (9:35:16 PM): Chris Richard basically is Chris Wilcox. No comparison necessary.
a PT production (9:35:22 PM): i guess that's how deep UF is
a PT production (9:35:50 PM): Chris Wilcox was second only to JUAN DIXON on that maryland team
Ace the Hardass (9:36:15 PM): They had my main man Steve Blake too.
Ace the Hardass (9:36:29 PM): I want Oden's feet to hit the backboard, And 1 style.
Ace the Hardass (9:37:12 PM): This is the LBJ, Sr. I've been wanting to see. He looks great.
a PT production (9:37:40 PM): why is this fatigue acceptable, though? i mean, friggin' glen davis lasted longer against UCLA last year.
a PT production (9:38:28 PM): he's got a quicker first step facing the rim than i thought he did. he coasted for 90% of the season, and i don't blame him.
Ace the Hardass (9:39:39 PM): You're right. Packer is just like, "So now he'll get rest." He's been playing five minutes.
Ace the Hardass (9:39:57 PM): You can fix conditioning easily in the pros though.
a PT production (9:41:02 PM): hey, thanks for 8 seconds of basketball, CBS
Ace the Hardass (9:41:27 PM): da-da-da-da-daaaa-da-da-d-d-d-da!
Ace the Hardass (9:44:10 PM): In other news...
a PT production (9:45:32 PM): yeah, saw this one. i just love the number of frat guys who were like, "that's fuckin' awesome... i'd let her stay as long as she wanted."
Ace the Hardass (9:46:07 PM): Who called the police?
Ace the Hardass (9:46:28 PM): I hope that guy had to do some push-ups or something. I'd just keep her around like a dog or something.
a PT production (9:47:21 PM): that's funny, because the Pikes at Tulane probably would have literally kept her around like a dog
a PT production (9:48:58 PM): how could you not play basketball till your senior year of high school?
a PT production (9:49:32 PM): it's the second-most accessible team sport for kids
a PT production (9:49:39 PM): i never understand those stories
Ace the Hardass (9:49:48 PM): Yeah. Most of those stories have to be fabrications. It never occurred to you that you're 6'10"? It's always like, "I mean, I was really into soccer..."
Ace the Hardass (9:50:31 PM): It's always phrased the same way too. "This coming from a guy who didn't pick up a basketball until he was sixteen years old. He was more of a handball fan."
a PT production (9:50:50 PM): my kids-- especially the girls-- will be playing basketball as soon as possible
a PT production (9:51:11 PM): that will be the compromise i make with my wife. "i'm only forcing them to play one sport."
Ace the Hardass (9:51:29 PM): You never had to play it in P.E. or anything? How can you not play basketball?
Ace the Hardass (9:51:39 PM): I'm not compromising. I'm going to have All-Americans.
Ace the Hardass (9:52:15 PM): Even if I have a daughter, she's totally playing for the Saints.
a PT production (9:52:45 PM): "It's human blood. The whole damn river." i can't decide if that's funny or not
Ace the Hardass (9:53:06 PM): That movie was supposed to come out, like two years ago.
a PT production (9:53:20 PM): i was thinking that. i'm not so sure ms. swank would sign onto that now
Ace the Hardass (9:53:53 PM): I still can't believe she has won two Oscars.
Ace the Hardass (9:54:30 PM): By the way, she's ugly. Sorry. There are always these magazine articles that are like, "A two-time Oscar winner who looks like this." I think she's gross.
a PT production (9:55:07 PM): i'm surprised we haven't seen 10,000 highlights of the football game. that just shows pure laziness on CBS's part, in getting the rights from Fox.
Ace the Hardass (9:55:48 PM): There hasn't even been a casual mention of it. Like, "Corey Brewer looked like his football counter-part Chris Leak on that pass...ha ha."

Florida 58, Ohio State 46, 9:53 Second Half.

a PT production (9:56:22 PM): that little Horford wiggle will lead the sportscenter highlight tonight
Ace the Hardass (9:56:41 PM): Speaking of a casual mention, Greg Oden likes fish sticks.
Ace the Hardass (9:56:56 PM): No. The Joakim Noah dance I'm eagerly awaiting will lead it.
a PT production (9:57:35 PM): this dude hunter sucks balls. let oden handle the putbacks. by the way, this is over.
Ace the Hardass (9:58:08 PM): Yeah, Oden looked good for about ten minutes. That's the ceiling for him.
a PT production (9:58:27 PM): florida will not allow a 14-point swing in 9 minutes
a PT production (9:58:41 PM): and no one on this OSU team seems to have a killer instinct
Ace the Hardass (9:58:58 PM): Terrabull.
Ace the Hardass (9:59:15 PM): What does his tat say? Acme something?
a PT production (9:59:34 PM): he likes cartoons, i guess
Ace the Hardass (10:00:05 PM): Remember when he signed with Ohio State, and he wanted to be an accounting major? How's that coming, Greg? Got all of your pre-reqs out of the way?
a PT production (10:00:13 PM): bahahaha, the fat, lazy brother who will be living off Greg's shoe contract for the rest of his life. this is almost scripted.
Ace the Hardass (10:00:45 PM): "I got ants runnin' up my wall! Ants, Mike Conley's dad!"
Ace the Hardass (10:01:40 PM): Why was Oden's mom wearing a Florida shirt?
a PT production (10:01:45 PM): she was?
a PT production (10:01:55 PM): man, i wish i had tivo
Ace the Hardass (10:02:00 PM): If I was lookng at the right person.
a PT production (10:02:36 PM): and if you thought UF couldn't get any luckier...
a PT production (10:03:09 PM): the score won't indicate it, but i've enjoyed watching this game. oden had a semi-coming out party
Ace the Hardass (10:03:35 PM): Actually, Ohio State has been playing their game. This is what they planned to do. Florida's just controlling everything.
a PT production (10:04:20 PM): that's what makes florida so special... they don't have a game. they can put up 114 on jackson state, or outphysical UCLA in a defensive contest. they're a smart team
a PT production (10:05:03 PM): i'm having fish sticks and chocolate milk at my draft party in June, by the way
Ace the Hardass (10:06:05 PM): You don't want cold wings? I was hoping that would be a running gag.
a PT production (10:07:46 PM): fucking florida... everytime there's a loose ball they end up with it
Ace the Hardass (10:08:41 PM): Keep talking about how impressive Oden playing is. Seriously. It's his job.
a PT production (10:09:18 PM): i think Oden is actually wearing LeBron IIIs
Ace the Hardass (10:09:33 PM): He is.
Ace the Hardass (10:09:38 PM): I made a mental note earlier.
Ace the Hardass (10:09:49 PM): I want someone to be wearing Starbury 1s.
a PT production (10:10:25 PM): Wish: granted.

Florida 66, Ohio State 60, 5:03 Second Half.
a PT production (10:11:18 PM): we have a game
Ace the Hardass (10:13:06 PM): I heard about this. "Kids don't really understand what it takes to go out and buy a pair of $300 shoes." People keep inflating the price. Look, the shoes in question are $150. Yes, that's expensive, but it's a huge difference. That's only like two days of work for the average person versus half a week. Quit complaining. Shoes have been over a hundred dollars since 1992.
a PT production (10:13:30 PM): oden's laboring down the court everytime. if he had 30 more pounds on him, billy packer would be popping an artery.
a PT production (10:15:08 PM): hey, the OSU bigs are tired... kinda like the football game! i think Packer probably put his foot down to the producers before the game even started: we are not mentioning football once.
Ace the Hardass (10:17:39 PM): Urban Meyer in a denim shirt.
Ace the Hardass (10:17:49 PM): And Bill Belichick is in the house?
a PT production (10:17:49 PM): with a smokin' girl on his arm
a PT production (10:18:52 PM): this is desperate. matta's inabilities to call meaningful plays are now becoming clear
a PT production (10:19:07 PM): he just told lewis to launch threes for the rest of the game, i bet
Ace the Hardass (10:19:52 PM): At the beginning of the game, their interior offense was so good. People were actually cutting through the lane. Now they're just chucking them up.
Ace the Hardass (10:20:18 PM): You know it's over when Humphrey is pulling down rebounds.
a PT production (10:20:37 PM): Christine Donovan... I like.
Ace the Hardass (10:21:35 PM): What are the odds that we get another commercial for The Reaping here?
Ace the Hardass (10:21:59 PM): Damn.

Florida has pulled away, 75-63, 1:46 Second Half.

a PT production (10:22:10 PM): well, at least Jim can start working on his pun early. the best was two years ago, when UNC won and Sean May got MOP: "It started in March, lasted through April, and ends with May." BALL'NNNNN
Ace the Hardass (10:23:59 PM): Yeah. I remember that. Incredible moment.
Ace the Hardass (10:24:43 PM): I'm bracing myself for some kind of "Noah now hoists the Siemens Championship trophies two-by-two."
a PT production (10:26:06 PM): you've absolutely got it
Ace the Hardass (10:26:30 PM): Al Horford's father's name is Tito.
Ace the Hardass (10:26:44 PM): Oden obviously just tried to get a technical too.
a PT production (10:26:41 PM): "Noah had everything in pairs... now a pair of trophies, too."
Ace the Hardass (10:27:04 PM): "The...arc...of Noah's--dammit.
a PT production (10:27:50 PM): i'm legitimately excited for this pun
a PT production (10:28:03 PM): we almost need Gus Johnson calling Jim Nantz's call
Ace the Hardass (10:28:18 PM): He won't disappoint. He can't. This is Jim Nantz we're talking about.
Ace the Hardass (10:28:29 PM): The only thing that could mess this up is Pete Rose.
a PT production (10:28:25 PM): the consummate pro
a PT production (10:29:12 PM): Pee Wee, Tito, Yannik... how do these dads not have their own documentary?
Ace the Hardass (10:29:39 PM): "they know him as Pee Wee."

Jim Nantz fails to deliver a pun.



LeBron's dad aged another thirty years reading all of this.

a PT production (10:29:38 PM): .... that's it, Jim? um, what?
a PT production (10:29:55 PM): "Back-to-back... unforgettable." are you fucking kidding me?
Ace the Hardass (10:30:07 PM): Where's the dancing?
Ace the Hardass (10:30:11 PM): Here we go...
Ace the Hardass (10:31:32 PM): Wow, Nantz. I'm seriously disappointed. That's a fitting end to the game.
a PT production (10:31:40 PM): a fitting end to the worst tournament i can remember
Ace the Hardass (10:32:49 PM): Chili dog.
a PT production (10:33:54 PM): i'm holding out till the trophy hoist, but that's like the basketball version of waiting until the end of the credits for something. by the way, i was highly disappointed Blades had nothing.
Ace the Hardass (10:34:25 PM): Well they had that Nick Swardson thing.
a PT production (10:34:54 PM): yeah, but it needs to be after the credits. reward people for knowing to stay through the whole thing.
Ace the Hardass (10:35:48 PM): I love the awkward "somebody I know is dying so I have to mention it but whatever" moment.
a PT production (10:36:17 PM): i'm loving the whole Jo Noah unvelcro'd hat
Ace the Hardass (10:36:51 PM): "We goin' do it big! All day! All night! You don't know what I'm talking about, but my boys know what I'm talking about! My gator boys know!"
a PT production (10:36:53 PM): I'm sure 'doing it big' has something to do with sex, drugs, and drinking, Jo.
Ace the Hardass (10:37:24 PM): "I'm staying up until at least 11:30 playing Halo."
a PT production (10:37:25 PM): how much weed does Noah consume during the offseason?
Ace the Hardass (10:38:55 PM): He does hang out with Corey Brewer.
Ace the Hardass (10:39:06 PM): And live in fucking Gainesville.
a PT production (10:39:30 PM): i'll keep watching for One Shining Moment, but i'm completely disappointed in Jim Nantz. he better be coming up with puns for everything next weekend, starting Thursday.
Ace the Hardass (10:40:20 PM): Shit. Now I have to listen about how Greg Oden finally stepped it up for months.
a PT production (10:42:25 PM): Dr. Miles Brand, one of the sketchiest motherfuckers around
a PT production (10:42:36 PM): the NCAA's becoming more and more like the mob
Ace the Hardass (10:43:10 PM): I don't think he does, but it seems as if he would spell it Myles.
a PT production (10:43:42 PM): love the postgame interview with the losing coach. whispers only. excuses offered. pride expressed.
Ace the Hardass (10:44:38 PM): "I just want to congratulate Coach Billy Donovan and his boys. He does things the right way, and it couldn't have happened to a classier guy. You know, we just couldn't get things going..."

So... not the thrilling game TANBR wanted-- it's actually surprising OSU kept it that close while shooting 3-for-600 from behind the arc-- but flashes of Oden's brilliance made it a rather fun game to watch. Billy Packer actually used words like "good" and "great," and CBS executed its plan to ignore the existence of BCS football to perfection. Brewer played well and still looks gangsta, while Jo Noah gave himself another YouTube milestone. Wake me when Ovinton J'Anthony laces 'em up.

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