Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Another Draft Drinking Game:

There's nothing wholly remarkable about TANBR's iteration of a summertime drinking & wings tradition, the NBA Draft. With every year, it seems to age like wine, with the smart parodies of itself and the personalization of athletes who can seem so inaccessible. It's one of the few things ESPN hasn't tainted in a My Wish fashion. So, TANBRines, try to make it safely through the lottery picks and enjoy:

Drink one sip for every:

  • "Wingspan," "long/length," "explosive," "runs the floor," "sees the floor," "bust," "motor," "franchise player," "posts up," "first step,"and "upside."
  • Close-up shot of lottery pick relative
  • Joke about Greg Oden's age
  • Mention of Florida winning back-to-back titles
  • Obvious smirk from David Stern
  • Trade of lottery pick
  • Stuart Scott colloquialism
  • Mention of the Spurs winning the 2007 title
  • Syllable added to "athletic"
  • Mention of Knick fans/Isaiah Thomas with negative connotations
  • Nontraditional suit: be it color, number of buttons, collar, tie
  • Reference to it raining a lot in the Northwest
  • Mention of Oden and Conley, Jr. playing together since AAU/being "great friends"
  • Mention of Jo Noah as the son of French tennis player Yannick Noah
  • Clip of an international player doing something completely unremarkable on grainy, closed-circuit TV
  • Mention of Yi's Chinese team, the Southern Tigers
Drink two sips for every:
  • Combination of any two of "tremendous/upside/potential."
  • Time Greg Anthony says something obvious
  • "Back to the basket," "Low-post," "rangy," "Footwork," "Painted area," [we can only hope Hubie's in attendance], "court vision," "streaky," "explosive first step," "(physical) specimen," and "National Basketball Association."
  • Mention of hand size/softness
  • Homoerotic description by Bilas et al. This is limited to saying someone was a "sexy" pick or is "a stud" and is not extended to calling someone long or just seeming way too excited about the young man.
  • NBA Live commercial featuring KD and Agent Zero
  • Top hat
  • Mention of the Spurs winning 4 titles in 9 seasons
  • Really awkward transition in an interview. E.g., "Nick Young, this has got to be a great feeling tonight, to realize your goals. How did it feel when your brother was murdered a few years ago in a gang-related incident?"
  • Comparison of a player to a wild animal
  • Huge, unjustified projection. I'm thinking Greg Anthony's assertion that LeBron was "definitely a future hall-of-famer."
  • Variation of "jump out of the gym."
  • Comment about Billy King, Kevin McHale, or Danny Ainge with negative connotations
  • Time Durant is compared to Kevin Garnett
  • Mention of the Parker/Longoria wedding
  • Time Oden is compared to Patrick Ewing or Alonzo Mourning
  • Player forgetting to remove cardboard lining in new draft-day hat
  • Mention of Florida not only winning two back-to-back basketball titles, but a football title sandwiched in the middle
  • Mention of Durant not being able to bench 185 lbs.
  • Glimpse of spittle from Stephen A's mouth
  • Mention of Jay Bilas's day job (lawyer) or Alma Mater (Duke)
  • Cut to Dick Vitale defending college players over international players
  • Mention of Greg Oden's agent, Mike Conley, Sr.
  • Lottery pick not in attendance
Drink three sips for every:
  • "Spidery," "tremendous upside potential," "cornerstone," "centerpiece," and "basketball IQ."
  • Shot of relative crying
  • Jo Noah's hair styled in some fashion other than the bushy ponytail
  • Qualification of when a guy first started playing basketball. E.g., "He didn't even pick a ball up until he was seventeen!"
  • Jay Bilas et al. openly bash selected pick while he shakes hands with Stern within earshot
  • Cut to Dick Vitale ranting about how early Yi Jianlan was taken
  • Time Hawks, Grizzlies, or Celtics mess up pick
  • Awkward ball-busting between Dan Patrick and David Stern
Down it:
  • If pick 1 or 2 is not from the Oden/Durant pair
  • Drafted athlete cries
  • Spencer Hawes and Josh McRoberts don't look like toolbags
  • "You know how we do"-like rant from Jo Noah
  • Greg Oden's favorite television show, The New Adventures of Old Christine, is mentioned
  • Deputy commissioner Russ Granik is introduced
- P.T. and Tank


Anonymous said...

Very nice.
And This is something new to you.

Tank said...

Oh my God, man. Thank you so much. I'm actually looking for a job right now. And it's not that big of a deal for me to commute to Nepal. Wow. Here I was thinking only my friends read this page, and I've got Nepalese readers so loyal that they're offering me jobs. What an opportunity!