Wednesday, July 11, 2007

A "Seinfeld" Theory

If you're white enough to read this blog with any regularity, you're probably familiar with "Seinfeld," which was probably the greatest television program of all time before "The Sopranos." The ten year mark of the series finale is nearing, and whenever that happens, people start talking reunion shows. I've been watching a lot of it on DVD recently, and I found the reason why that would never happen. It doesn't have anything to do with Jerry Seinfeld's ego or Larry David's creative indecision or the Seinfeld Curse that kind of exists but not really. It has to do with the fact that Elaine Benes, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, would have died of AIDS by now.

Yep. This is what I have for you after a week-long absence.

See, Elaine was what is often referred to as a skank. She had numerous sexual partners throughout the course of the show, and with anecdotal evidence I will list in a moment, it can be surmised that she contracted HIV at least by the end of the show's run, if not long before.

Surely some readers will point out that Jerry would be the more likely carrier of a serious STD, since his promiscuity was a focus of the show way before Elaine was even a main character. And indeed insertive intercourse is more risky in the contraction of STDs than receptive intercourse. Furthermore, Jerry had more partners. A conservative estimate would put his number of sexual liasons at about fifty and Elaine's at thirty-five to forty. But I'm not promoting a double standard: for several circumstantial reasons, including her background, Elaine probably has that shit.

T-Pain- "I Got It"
(T-Pain has his own song as a ringtone. Gully.)

1. Elaine has unprotected sex.
Season seven episode "The Sponge" revealed that while Elaine practices a nebulous, diaphragmish form of birth control (one so unreliable it has been taken off the market), she does nothing to mitigate the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases. Terrabull.

I heard razorblades did the trick too.

2. Elaine has sex with "risky" partners.
Just off the top of my head, Elaine has done the following sketchy dudes:
- a recovering alcoholic
- a saxophone player
- an actor
- an author
- a Communist
- a married dude
- a gay guy she was trying to convert in season four or so.

Supposedly, one million people are infected with an STD every day. You're telling me every single one of these artsy types, not to mention people like the Male Bimbo and Lloyd Braun and Puddy and the Jujyfruits guy, with whom Elaine had more sustained sexual relationships, were safe?

3. Elaine's background
Elaine graduated from Tufts (her safety school), and most upper-class girls from the northeast are hoes. (It's science.) Plus, she was an English major, and, take it from me, all English majors are full of shit and never do any real work. So there's lots of time for anonymous sex in a consequence-free environment. There's no way to know how many partners Elaine had in college alone, but it's probably a lot.

Additionally, her father, famous author Alton Benes is a looming, intimidating figure, and it's possible he was abusive, which would in part explain her promiscuity. Uh...just go with it.

The weird thing is that Julia Louis-Dreyfus somehow got more attractive as the show went on and has become more attractive after the show ended. The really weird thing is that the show kind of reflected this. Elaine got laid more in seasons seven through nine than she ever had before, as if even the fictional characters were like, "I'm glad you did something about those loafers and that bird's nest on your head."

4. Elaine has had sex with Jerry.
You may know from health classes in high school or the Coolio song "Too Hot" that if you pace someone, you're technically pacing with all the other people with which they've paced. (Additionally, they told us in Catholic school--to promote respect and piety with our young female counter-parts--to keep in mind that a girl we were potentially having sex with would "be someone's wife someday." I never knew why they thought this would affect me so much. Like, should I also buy her a pewter platter or something as a gift for this potential union? Why does her future without me have any bearing on me getting my joint worked on now? Obviously, if we don't get married, she will be a different person when she does get married to someone else. I can't control the respect I have for that hypothetical person, and, in fact, if she improves herself to become more marriage-ready in the future, I would probably want to hit it even more then. [I don't even make sense now, so imagine how complicated this was when I was seventeen.])

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that Elaine has had sex with Jerry, both in the backstory of the show and as part of a season two gamble in which Jerry and Elaine tried to experiment with a sexual relationship within the confines of their friendship. There was also the episode in which Elaine reveals that she faked her orgasms with Jerry, and he tries to restore his honor; but I don't think they actually did it then. In fact, the whole joke was that Jerry couldn't perform, which nullified the prospect of her faking it again.

As I wrote above, Jerry has been around the block as well. It's highly likely that he has STDs from his myriad sexual misadventures, and he would have passed them onto Elaine during their, once again, unprotected trysts.

Sometimes a cigar is just a...pretend penis.

5. Elaine has traveled to far-off lands, including Africa.
Elaine has traveled more than any other main character, and if she paced in some of those distant locales, she would be at a greater risk of contracting HIV. She traipsed to Norway with David Puddy, and at the beginning of season five--as part of a ruse to cover up Louis-Dreyfus' real-life maternity leave--she was supposedly in Paris with some random dude. Neither of those destinations present much of a problem with the topic at hand.

It's her strange assignments for J. Peterman that suit my argument. Elaine followed him to Burma when he had a nervous breakdown and, more importantly, she stayed in a cave in Tunisia to win her job back late in the show's run. I don't know much about Burma, but I do know that Tunisia is at the Mediterranean coast of Africa. If traveling to Africa is serious enough to deny someone from giving blood, it's serious enough for my argument that Elaine Benes possibly has AIDS. I mean, I'm presuming that Elaine had unprotected sex in these places, but that's not too big of an assumption. By the way, did you know that Tunisia imprisons gay people? No fucking homo.

6. Elaine has been to prison.
The series ends with the entire gang in a Massachusetts prison for, appropriately, "doing nothing." All bets are off at this point. The slammer is not a friendly place.

Elaine's dead. The prosecution rests.

Team America- "Everyone Has AIDS"
AIDS Wolf- "We Multiply"
Eminem featuring Obie Trice- "Drips" (The edited version of The Eminem Show had so many gaps in this song that it was just left off the album.)


Bryan said...

I must say, as an aspiring author, that you can leave them off the "shady artist types who likely have vd" list. Writing is a lonely, locked away in a room for a year sort of process, and book tours are not rock tours. There's no bus for bangin' groupies. The only potential market for the "I wrote a book, wanna sex me up" line is when you're trollin for sci-fi convention ass.

And women don't get vd from a vibrator named after Spike from Buffy.


Anonymous said...

I'm so happy you wrote this I've been on a Seinfeld kick and it seems like every show Jerry has a new girlfriend, George is talking about someone he had sex with and the sponge one always made me think 'dose she also use a condom?'
I whish the real numbers were posted somewhere like the Sex and the City girls are. But 9 seasons is a lot to sit through!

Anonymous said...

what a stupid article, who cares? get a life dude!
..and anyway you're assuming she didn't use a condom, which as the intelligent woman that she is, she probably did. about prison, i'm pretty sure she was strong enough to keep all other women away from her..