Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Love Letter to Video Reggie Bush



(Soundtrack:
Guillemots- "Madeup Lovesong #43" [no homo]
Bob Dylan & Van Morrison- "Crazy Love" [pretty homo]
Justus Kohncke feat. Meloboy- "Hot Love" [very homo])

Dear Video Reggie:

I love you. In an unconditionally platonic way. Don't get me wrong: you're quite striking physically--and my love for you is very romantic; it's just not sexual. You're digitized pixels and artificial intelligence. But I love you for who you are, Reggie, and I also love what you make me: an awesome Madden player.

You see, I'm the guy who's only good with Mike Vick, and since the only game he's going to be in for a while is a round of spades for cigarettes, you've come to Madden just in time. I've been experimenting with 2008 for a few days now, and while I can usually write ad nauseam about sports video games, you're the only thing about this new version that excites me. And excite me you do.

Entire plays that have never worked in the history of Madden are now fair game with a player of your agility, awareness, acceleration, and speed. You know when you're on the goal line, and the HB Dive is obviously going to get swallowed up in the backfield? The other team has jammed the middle perfectly? The natural inclination is to bounce it outside and try to get around the pile, except the linebackers are too fast for you to turn the corner. Not with you, Video Reggie Bush. Video Reggie Bush can actually get away with that. The HB screen with which I have never gained a yard against the computer since '95? Video Reggie can turn it into a touchdown.


That's the true test of how good a player is: how many YouTube highlight reels come up. Bush is already in my top five video athletes of all-time.

Video Reggie, your speed rating is listed as a 99, but I could swear you're faster than Devin Hester, the only guy with a 100. I wouldn't want to streak down the sidelines on a punt return or burst through a hole (no homo, etc.) with anyone else.

And I'm sorry that I rush you over thirty times a game and involve you in almost every play. I'm sorry I still run you on RB Stretch when we're up forty points late in the fourth. Please excuse my over-eager nature: I just want to bring out the best in you the same way you bring out the best in me.

You're probably a better receiver than most wide-outs in the game. Defenses cower in fear when I put you in motion or flare you out. I tried to move you to other positions in key situations, (I used to trust Vick with my PATs.) but they won't let me do that anymore. Someone at Tiburon is trying to limit your greatness.

Video Reggie, I may not play with you for a while. I'm starting a franchise with the Louisiana Bayou Bengals, a team for which you sadly cannot qualify. But know, as I'm tripping over my own linemen with LaBrandon Toefield, I'll be wishing it was you.

Yours,
Tank

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