Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Wait, People Are Talking about Basketball?


"So I don't have to play defense anymore, right?"

Here at TANBR, we pride ourselves on giving you a different take on the things everyone else is already talking about. If we just re-counted the news, there would be no reason to read the site--if you aren't sure, take my word for it, espn.com is better at that stuff. So it's difficult when something momentous in your favorite sport happens to your favorite team, yet you have nothing original or even funny to bring to the table.

I have to write something though, don't I? In the past month, Danny Ainge has pretty much done to the Celtics what I do to them on the first day NBA Live comes out: mortgage the future and over-extend my salaries through brazen trades to put as many superstars on the court as possible. And they don't tell you this in any kind of book you can read for school, but what works well in video games usually works well in real life.

I agree with everyone else. Kevin Garnett is one of the top five players in the league, and I would have given up anything--not just players but, like, the right to eat meat or the privilege to sleep in a bed for a year--to get him. I wish the Celtics didn't have to give up Al Jefferson, but they had to offer something of value to Minnesota. I'm worried about the fact that we only have one inexperienced pointguard and no true center now. I'm worried about the lack of help from the bench. (On the bright side though, Brian Scalabrine should get some Travis Knight-type garbage minutes now.) Yes, I even kind of saw this coming, since anyone keeping Theo Ratliff on the roster is planning to do something with his expiring contract.

I agree.

Plus, most of the stuff I thought was interesting and wanted to bring up actually was brought up by real sportswriters today. For instance, I wanted to mention that one of the picks the Celts gave up is lottery-protected, so it's pretty inconsequential. Then your boy Bill Simmons paced it today. Color me late.

(Incidentally, Minnesota is a much more exciting team to watch now too. Besides the additions of Jefferson and Gomes in this trade and Corey Brewer in the draft, people forget that Rashad McCants is finally going to be healthy and trying to throw up as many shots as possible. Plus, TANBR patron saint Mark Madsen still plays for them. Win-win. Too bad they'll be on TV less than .)

So is this post useless? Yes and no. TANBR has decades-old photos with imagined monologues. Don't front.


"I couldn't help but notice you just stacked some quarters at the end of the table, son. Like you got next or something. You got next when we're done, homey. Like, if my man Big Ticket--no William Hurt's character in Kiss of the Spider Woman--sinks the eight ball right now? We'll just keep playing like he didn't lose because of it. Like we were playing some game you don't even know about. And when all the balls are in the pockets--no Bruce Vilanch? We'll just act like we were playing best of three. So take that Balbushka Werewolves-in-London shit to Dreamcast, money. You're basically dealing with some thorough, street bad-word-for-black-peoples. I'm middle-parted like Eddie Winslow, grub. I got the School of Hard Knocks track jacket, the SoHK, and my somnambulant compadre here is rockin' the Nautica polo. We came here straight from Stage. Like, we literally popped tags from Stage and sped in my ninety-eight Navigator to the pool hall. We were in the bike lane. Money was like, 'Yo, Starbury, nothin'-for-nothin' but I'm feelin' a Cheesy Gordita Crunch right now.' I was like, 'Fuck that. I'll buy you some cigarettes at Whitey's.' Between us we got four knuckle hoagies and one year of college, so step off like Denise Austin 'fore we go off on your ass. No Reinaldo Arenas."

See?

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