Saturday, September 29, 2007

Letter From a Man Who Has Been Living in a Cave for Two Years

I'm really busy now, so this seems like the perfect opportunity to bring in a guest columnist. It just so happens that, as I was swallowing back the vomit in my throat after watching the...underwhelming LSU-Tulane game, an old acquaintance E-Mailed me this. Dr. Emil Shaufenhausen, renowned speleologist and expert on all things subterranean, requires no introduction. Enjoy:

Dear Chris:

I apologize that we haven't spoken in a while, but I believe my excuse is adequate. For the past two years or so, I have been marooned in a New Mexico solutional cavern I was exploring. I had no means of outside communication, and I had to survive on bugs and certain types of fungus. Thank God this cavity had low carbonic acid deposits! I would have been done for! Everything's fine now. (How was your wedding by the way? And did you ever write that screenplay you had kicking around?)

Anyway, I was finally rescued this week, and I was excited to see my first football game in two years. I'll admit, as I was analyzing limestone deposits and talking to myself during one of my little crazy episodes last November, I couldn't help but think about what was going on in the outside world. Visions of linebackers danced in my head you could say--no homo.

So I headed to Bruno's to knock back a few beers and watch our beloved LSU Tigers take on Tulane. (I had been looking forward to visiting the new Bruno's, but it really wasn't that special. A lot of old people.)

If we made Anthony Scelfo look like shades of Arizona State Jake "The Snake" Plummer, then we might make Timothy Tebow look like Randall Cunningham in Tecmo Bowl.

And wasn't I surprised to find out that while I was gone, there was a massive hurricane that apparently tore apart the city! I was thankful that ESPN dedicated so much time to covering the storm in the telecast, because I, for one, needed such crucial information.

If I were to believe Pam Ward, (She must have really paid some dues during my time away. Why was she the lead announcer on a game?) lots of poor, black people were displaced, and everything is still not okay in New Orleans. Most people in the bar groaned--they didn't want to hear any more about the hurricane and were watching the game to not think about it I guess--but I wanted to hear more.

No lie. This is the second result of a Google image result for "Pam Ward."

From what they were saying, the city was underwater (just as I was in the cave) for a long time, and lots of people can't move back. Even two years later, schools are closed and the entire economy can't recover because most people in the service industry had the houses that went under. They can't afford to move back, and the people who are now trying to get their jobs are overqualified and require too much money, so the cost of living is climbing. And the people who could afford a higher cost of living are too scared to move back because of the crime and the possibility of future hurricanes. Terrabull. (Pam Ward didn't say anything about that though. Some crazy dude next to me in the bar filled me in.)

This seemed to be a pretty important moment for the Superdome. It was the first time anyone had played in it since, like, every Tulane game for the past year and every Saints home game for the past year. By the way, the nachos at new Bruno's were delicious! My body's still learning to digest real food again, but I was impressed. So many jalapenos!

The last time Tulane beat LSU was in 1982, and I think Bob Toledo wore the sideline sweaters from that year for good luck. The final trick up his sleeve? Joybuzzer on the coach handshake.

I was also pretty impressed that LSU and Tulane had limited edition phoenix-pelican jereseys. Pam Ward said that they plan on auctioning them off at the end of the season for hurricane relief. I don't know why they have to wait until the end of the season to do that, since the people who need the money probably need it now--but hey, what do I know? I've been living in a cave for the past two years. I went online to buy one of those jerseys, which are eighty bucks, and I was excited to see that one dollar of every purchase goes to those poor, black people. So that helps.

And the game itself! What excitement. LSU ended up outlasting Tulane, but the way the Green Wave's dangerous pass defense hung with LSU, they should get some notices from AP voters tomorrow. Under "Banquet" Bob Toledo and his high-octane trick plays, they must be a much better team than they were when I left. I'll let you go now, you college graduate you, but keep in touch. Go Tigers!

Dr. Emil Shaufenhausen

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