Thursday, November 08, 2007

LSU Power Rankings

If you're not a Tigers fan, you can skip this post. Or become a Tigers fan for the sole benefit of enjoying this column, which is a doozy.

I'll have to admit we were a bit wary of writing about LSU again, since it didn't work out so well last time. ("This is the most mature team I've ever seen.") But they're playing Louisiana Tech, so we risked some power rankings.

MVPs (P.T.)

1. Jake Hester– He’s improved so much in three years. As a freshman, I made enough Hey Look White Running Back! jokes that I’m surprised Junckie didn’t strangle me. (It should be noted that Junckie is a racist, fiery Louisianan that sits in my section, who still believes Matthew Flynn has a better arm than JaMarcus.) As a sophomore, he was best known on special teams for recording a game-changing punt block at Arizona State. As a junior, he was “deceptively fast” and “played with heart.” As a senior, he’s just a good college football player. And that’s got to be the pinnacle for any white running back—for commentators to compliment you without making backhanded innuendos about your race.
2. Glenn Dorsey– Every compliment possible has been given to Glenn on a national level since the tail end of last season, so I don’t have much else to contribute. I’ll just say this—without Dorsey in the locker room (remarkably, that’s way more valuable than his on-field talents), the team is probably looking at 6-3 and Cotton Bowl reservations.
3. Ali Highsmith– Sideline-to-sideline, there’s no defensive player on the team more exciting to watch in person. I can’t remember him giving up on a tackle or a play in four years, either. Couple that with his on-field playcalling duties and leadership as senior linebacker, and you have a pretty special defensive player.

Miami had more unconscious players after that game than they did points, but the U still has the edge in sign-making. Nothing beats "Dorm Closet" Davenport's: "I'm gonna make more money in one practice next year than you'll make the whole year. So sad for you!" Which he held up to his own crowd.

4. Chevis Jackson– Chevis has come a long way from that nightmarish 2004 game in Georgia, when, in nickel situations, David Greene picked him apart. And it’s hard to believe that last season I felt more comfortable when the ball was thrown Zenon’s way. Chevis has faced some pretty decent WRs the past two seasons (Marcus Monk, DJ Hall, Ben Obamanu) and never really let them get more than one game-changing ball.
5. Early Doucet– The hype surrounding this St. Martinville product was enormous. And with the likes of Michael Clayton, Devery Henderson, Dwayne Bowe, and Buster Davis above him on the depth chart throughout his years, it looked as if he might not get to showcase his full potential. Then he pulled down game-winners at Arizona State in 2005 (of course he did! [the 7:00 mark or so]) and Tennessee in 2006, and his potential began to come to fruition.

MVPs (Tank)

1. Jacob Hester- I don’t know what’s bigger on Jake Hester: his heart or them powerful, churnin’ legs. I would like to give Gary Crowton some credit, but I’m not convinced that his playbook doesn’t just say “Run Hester up the gut.” Either way, it’s good for about four yards every time. I can say with confidence that he's better than any White running back in the NFL. Which means he's better than Brian Leonard.
2. Chevis Jackson- In his second game ever against Arizona State, Chevis got burnt twice for deep touchdowns. Ever since then, I haven’t quite trusted him, always hoping the quarterback would throw to, say, Corey Webster’s side instead. I woke up one day this season, his senior year, and realized he’s a true shut-down corner every bit as good as Webster ever was. I hope I don’t write people off for three years in my real life. Also, due to “eye complications” from the Kentucky game, he has to wear stunna shades on the sidelines. Had that happened three years ago, I would have changed my tune.
3. Glenn Dorsey- Considering that most guys with his talent would already be in the NFL by now, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had just mailed it in every week of his senior season. (Speaking of Corey Webster…) Instead we get a guy who plays through pain and is like an assistant coach on the field.

What are the odds that Fowler is making some kind of joke about going for it on fourth down? Now what are the odds that Les Miles' response is "I want to be with you"?

4. Craig Steltz- He could just as easily be on my “I’m disappointed in you" list (dude’s been biting a lot more on pump fakes), but he’s still been phenomenal this year. More than anyone else on the defense, I think he just knows how to play his position. He’s always in the right place at the right time, which is as good a quality for a safety as “has no outside life” is for a blogger.
5. Early Doucet- Just his presence, even if he has zero catches, wreaks havoc with defense’s gameplans. Hester is probably the only dude in which I have more confidence when he has the ball. My brother called me in the middle of a Text & Traditions IV class on signing day just to tell me we got Doucet. And I left the class to answer it.

Favorites (P.T.)

1. Chad Jones– Okay, I’m a complete sucker for the young players. I’ve been following Chad Jones, Athlete, for over a year now—by the way, I’ll be calling him Chad Jones, Athlete, for all three/four years, and probably on through the NFL and MLB—and that always makes me feel almost like a parent. It’s one thing to read online magazines about a safety from a familiar high school that intercepted 12 passes in a season and returned 6 of them for touchdowns (as a safety!), but it’s another to see him mature and learn a defense—and clothesline a douchebag quarterback with three first names.
2. Jake Hester
3. Terrance Toliver– Another young, ultra-talented prospect equaling Chad Jones in terms of recruiting hype (he was the #1 WR on In his first catch as a Tiger, he R2ed a Mississippi State defender for about 25 more yards… and not even Doucet gets me as excited when he has the ball in the open field.
4. Trindon Holliday– He’s so tiny! And fast! But really, my favorite thing about Trindon is the number of tackles he’s broken this season. In August, I would’ve set that over/under around 3.5.
5. Demetrius Byrd– I remember when the season started, I couldn’t remember his or Jared Mitchell’s names, no matter how hard I tried. There’s always a couple of those every season. Then he caught the clutch 4th-and-goal against Florida. Then the legendary go-ahead touchdown in The Earthquake Game Part II. Then the 61-yarder at Bryant-Denny. Now I’m Facebook friends with him.

Reader, you have no idea what you’re going to learn about Demetrius “Mr. Showtime” Byrd in this one post. Here’s an appetizer. I laughed out loud at this for about ten minutes; yes, he is going through the Rally’s drive-thru in reverse.

Favorites (Tank)

1. Colt David- He’s not a good player. I’m nervous any time he has to kick a ball more than thirty-five yards. But I can’t get enough of the unintentional comedy. (See the unintentional comedy power rankings.) This guy is a legend in his own mind. Can you imagine if something was your job, and you did it for one of the best and most well-known powerhouses of that field, but you only did it halfway competently at best? What would be the equivalent? He’s like George Costanza working for the Yankees or something. Can you imagine being on that team and watching him every day? Who hangs out with him after games? A guy named Colt can entertain you for a whole game.
2. Trindon Holliday- We haven’t been using him well lately, but I heard something about him having “world-class speed”? I seem to remember Verne Lundquist mentioning something about him being really fast.
3. Richard Dickson- LSU has never made the tight end a focal point of the passing game, but Flynn has been starting to look Dickson’s way. The funny part about it is that Dickson has no concept of yards after catch. Whenever he snags the ball in the flat and isn’t immediately creamed, he almost can’t believe it. His eyes get bigger than mine would if you told me I get one night with Lauren Conrad and handcuffs.
4. Ryan Perrilloux- Say what you want about him, but the dude is captivating. I would prefer for him to stop getting arrested, but I was hoping the offenses would keep getting more entertaining. After tangential knowledge of a money-laundering scheme and a fake ID at a casino, a bar fight was underwhelming. Someone should explain insider trading to him.
5. Chad Jones- One of the biggest surprises of this year’s squad. His beheading of John Parker Wilson was my highlight of the Alabama game. Have a nice life, J.P.! (On the bright side, at least all three of Wilson's names are for boys. No Kristin Scott Thomas.)

All-Poon Team (P.T.)

1. Demetrius Byrd– I just imagined D-Byrd supermanning trains of West Campus hos the night of the Auburn game and never really turning back. And then this article comes out the week we’re preparing the list. No-brainer.
2. Jai Eugene

But. Hey.

The women know the hype surrounding Jai without reading the recruiting publications. He’s probably the most-hyped LSU corner of the modern era. And that million-dollar smile doesn’t close any cooters for him.
3. Keiland Williams– Women want to lay Key for one simple reason—he understands the injustices taking place at meat processing farms these days. A sensitive side (and a positively ripped body! Pause…)
4. Marlon Favorite– Big Fav frequents any and every club in the greater BR area because of his group, Black Vynm, which garnered some national recognition from The Corpse of Verne Lundquist and has been known to instigate a fight or two. This club presence lands him a Backstage Betty at most venues.
5. Ali Highsmith– Ali need only convince na├»ve coeds to make a trip to his 305 hometown—where his father Alonzo’s probably not suffering much of a poon shortage either—to lay them. And a future NFL late-first-round contract can spread a pair of legs, as well.

Unintentional Comedy (Tank)

1. Colt David

2. Colt David

3. Colt David

Did Colt go as Bret Michaels for Halloween or is that just his look?

4. Richard Dickson- I would like to measure whether or not he has bigger eyes than Tyson Jackson. Windows to the soul and everything, but no homo.
5. T.C. McCartney- We’re one of the biggest teams in the country, and the guy who may be our starting quarterback in four years is a Samoan walk-on whose numbers senior year of high school were 56/152 for 786 yards, with 6 TDs and 6 INTs. I guess I’ll enjoy being at the top while I can.
Honorable Mention: Demetrius Byrd – I’m adding this after befriending him on Facebook. His profile is otherworldly. His AIM is ‘MR. SHOWTIME.’ (Actually, Byrd-man, I’m impressed you landed that potentially coveted screenname. You must have been a true-blue AOLer since 1995 or so.) His website is His interests are ‘clean, nice, ladies,’ which is either a misplaced comma or pure genius. His only favorite quote is “Kill Urself.” He has a beautiful ‘305’ written in his About Me. Under Education Info, he lists two colleges—Pearl River CC and LSU—with the major ‘Play Football.’ Really, his profile deserves a separate post. Or maybe even a separate blog.

You probably can't make it out, but Demetrius is quite the literary aficianado as well. Under favorite books he has "all." Really? I'm not disputing that you've read everything ever written. I'm just thinking that if you had you might be a bit more discerning. "Yeah, I mean, War and Peace was pretty tight. But then again so was Angels & Demons. I can't decide. I guess they're both my favorites."

Women Are Afraid of You (P.T.)
1. Tyson Jackson– Those eyes, that combination of size and quickness, that temper… they probably don’t make the best cocktail to lay co-eds.
2. Derrick Odom*- If you hang out with this gentleman for more than a couple hours, you’ll probably either end up in the hospital via mixed-martial arts bar patrons, or with your Chevy Impala totally paced in the morning.
3. Kirston Pittman
4. Ricky Jean-Francois*- Although he’s sitting out a season due to academic ineligibility, RJF still has the intense, brooding eyes that Patrick Cox still remembers so well. And he’s fucking huge.
5. Ryan Perrilloux– Unless your girlfriend considers FBI scrutiny a turn-on, she might want to stay away from Our Favorite 4-Heisman Winner.
*(technically no longer on the roster)

You Wouldn't Really Mind If He Hooked Up with Your Girlfriend (Tank)

1. Matt Flynn- Seems pretty normal for a big-time college quarterback. From his Facebook, I can tell you that he counts Encino Man and Lucky Number Slevin as two of his favorite movies? I don’t know about that. Even if that movie were a true story, it would probably be the guy named Slevin’s, like, ninth favorite film of all time.
2. Glenn Dorsey- He doesn’t really have a nickname yet, so can we go with Chocolate Bear Googly-Eyes?
3. Trindon Holliday- Not only would he be shorter than her, he’d probably have a better smile too.
4. Patrick Fisher- College football punter is the least threatening job since interior decorator.
5. Jonathan Zenon- He’s an Engineering major. (By the way, I don't even know what my dad's major was in college, but I know what Jonathan Zenon's is. Yay for the Internet.)

Players to Watch (P.T.)

1. Al Woods
– He’s the next Chad Lavalais/Kyle Williams/Glenn Dorsey super-DT, and he’s finally getting in the rotation, especially when Glenn is nursing his knee injury.
2. Danny McCray– He’s been a fixture in our nickel packages, a type of safety/corner hybrid that always seems fast enough and big enough when he needs to be. He’ll probably anchor the defensive backfield with Chad Jones, Athlete, next season.
3. Richard Murphy– The coaches said Murphy has the best combination of speed, quickness, and durability of any back in the stable. He’s just stuck at the five spot in the crowded rotation right now. I’m still waiting for a wheel route call from Crowton this year, since we line him up in the flat so often.
4. Rahim Alem– He’s seemingly come out of nowhere to spell Tyson Jackson in the crowded DE rotation and record some legit garbage minutes. He forced a nice fumble against Middle Tennessee State to preserve the shutout, back when we were limiting teams to 2.33 points per game. Also, he’s the brother of Chad Jones, which is just mind-boggling to me. Not the stepbrother or half-brother, but brother. Something tells me he won’t need too mooch off Chad’s MLB pension twenty years from now.
5. Jacob Cutrera– Word is he has sideline-to-sideline talent similar to Darry Beckwith. I’m skeptical, since he’s wh--a little undersized, but he’s seen some worthwhile minutes in the rotation as Darry’s nursed a few nagging injuries this season.

1 comment:

Will said...

This post could, in fact, be accurately described as a bank robbery.