Thursday, December 20, 2007

NFL News and Notes

We've ignored the NFL for a bit, so here are a few quick thoughts.

- My dad just got DirecTV, which means some NFL Network will be waiting for me when I go home Saturday. I know they have games on Thursdays now, but what could they possibly do for a whole week of programming? Does it just go dark after twelve every night, but instead of color bars they pace this?

You know what? I'm starting to flip on this issue. I want more Brett Favre coverage. Tell me something I don't know, Boomer. When was his first kiss? Does he leave the toilet seat up? What's his favorite Caddyshack quotation? I need to know these things.

- Hooray for Brian Westbrook and his kneeling down at the one to run the clock out against the Cowboys. Throughout the early 'aughts there were at least five or six times when Deuce McAllister should have done that and didn't. I don't even know if I would have passed on the touchdown in a game of Madden. I would say that every conservative White dude got his wings when that happened, but every conservative White dude also had Westbrook on his fantasy team.

- Speaking of the Eagles and the Saints, it's fun objectively watching Philadelphians process this season. Before it started, all these expert sportswriters here were like, "If McNabb stays healthy, we can probably pace ten, eleven wins this year." Saints fans anticipate medicocrity, while the Eagles fans do nothing but deny it, and it always reminds me of parents with gay kids. Every sentence that begins, "If McNabb stays healthy..." reeks of "I mean, he brought that girl to prom ten years ago..."

- What a downward spiral for McNabb. Just months ago he was in the press for talking about how he was held to a higher standard in the press for being Black. Why don't you sit this one out, champ? I think you're held to a higher standard because you have a $100 million contract, zero championships, and a lower passer rating than Matt Schaub. And the extremely rare "upper-body belly.

If that's what Campbell's does for you, I'll stick with Snow's New England Clam Chowder thanks.

- I'm not usually up on the separated-at-birth tip, but each time Adrian Peterson gets a goal-line carry, I keep on expecting him to drop the ball and yell, "Cher, you're getting on the freeway!"

Someone has to stop that wifebeater with the bra strap look. (But hey.)

- How exciting was it for everyone to hate Bobby Petrino a few weeks ago? Usually with coaching changes, at least one or two talking heads will be like, "I don't know, Sean, this was a great opportunity for him blah blah." But when Petrino quit on the Falcons, absolutely every sports voice in the country was like, "Yeah, he's probably going to hell." You'd think he electrocuted a dog or something.

- Electrocuted dogs? Check this out:
1. Paris Hilton- DUI, driving with a suspended license, speeding, violation of probation: 22 days of jail, probation
2. Lindsay Lohan- DUI, driving with a suspended license, possession of cocaine, transportation of a narcotic: 1 day of jail, 10 days of community service, probation
3. Nicole Richie- DUI, driving with a suspended license, reckless driving, speeding, possession of heroin: 82 minutes of jail
4. Michael Vick- gambling and pacing a couple of dogs: 23 months of jail

I'm just sayin'. That's a huge difference in the way justice was carried out. It's too bad MADD doesn't have the cultural capital of PETA.

"Ladies and gentlemen, there is breaking news in the Michael Vick dog-fighting case. Despite overwhelming evidence of his involvement in the crimes, he is now being exonerated based on the "Free Mike Vick" shirt Roddy White wore during a game. Whew. That was close."

Marcus Vick: "I'm not mad, Mike. I'm disappointed."

- I rode the Romo train all year fantasy-wise (big no homo), and it finally stalled on Sunday. I don't hold Jess Simpson responsible for Romo's poor performance though. I hold his jacked-up finger responsible. And how did it get jacked up? He kept on telling his teammates, "Oh yeah? Smell my finger, dude," and he just got a little too forceful. He's definitely that guy. He's definitely a locker room towel-whipper too. You can just see it on Witten's face.

- I mentioned it in the last post, so here it is. Brady Quinn for Subway:

"Sundays I'm...kind of busy." Gold. I like that Subway tried to stick with the Jared angle for years, printing napkins with the caloric content of veggie delights, then one day was like, "Fuck it. We need Peter Griffin telling you to double your meat and cheese."

Brady's been a great teammate so far, but what's the over-under for the first Phil Rivers-style backhanded compliment for Derek Anderson? July? And why does this keep happening? Drafting a rookie quarterback really high ends up lighting a fire under the starter's ass? If Miami goes quarterback this year, wait for Cleo Lemon to be the second coming of Otto Graham.

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