Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Things I Learned Watching the Louisiana State University Bayou Bengals Win the 'Ship


"Hello?"
"Dick in your booty, baby. Dick in your booty, Jim Tressel. Dick in your booty, Big Ten. Ahhhh, LSU! Yarrrrr!"

Going to work today was not a great idea.

- After the game Marlon Favorite of Black Vynym performed, with little prodding, a song called "We Rock, We Roll" that contained the line "Give LSU respect like Aretha."

- Fox's broadcast was predictably terrabull. When things still looked iffy at the beginning of the fourth, I had to do what worked in the Florida game. Put the jinx talk on mute, stand three feet from my TV, and listen to Wagner on my iPod. Not only did I not have to endure "You know, Jacob Hester has only fumbled once, in his first game. That's X number of carries with absolutely no fumbles," I also got to watch my team celebrate as Lohengrin hit its apex. I'm afraid this is becoming a pattern. Let's say that Fox eventually did decide not to run the biggest game of the year if they don't have one person qualified to call it. The most likely alternative would be CBS and Verne Lundquist. And I'd rather have announcers who don't know anything about the SEC than an announcer who doesn't know what year this is.

- Lesticles is avuncular in a more homespun Royal Tenenbaum sort of way, and I make fun of him enough, but he's 34-6 too and has a crystal football under that hat of his. He's doing something right. As long as he hires a defensive coordinator who can step into Bo Pelini's shoes, we'll be okay.


"I'm not talking about dance lessons. I'm talking about putting a brick through the other guy's windshield. I'm talking about taking it out and chopping it up."

- Speaking of Bo, I'm impressed that he actually coached us well and drew up effective game plans until the very end. No jokes. He did an excellent job this year and every other, and I wish him the best.

- Matthew Flynn--who Wifey still calls "Victory Cigar" out of habit--threw to Brandon LaFell what was a pretty prototypical Madden touchdown. About one-third of all video game TDs occur when two receivers on one side run ins and the slot guy runs to the opposite corner as the quarterback trots a few steps onto his off-side and throws against his body. I better not say any more, lest SEC coaches start to figure out that Gary Crowdon is really just a guy with an XBox.

- I went to my Penn class yesterday wearing a Tigers hat and a JaMarc--ahem, a Jai Eugene jersey, but no one asked me anything about it. In conversation I told someone I had to hurry home to watch LSU win the championship, and he said, "Basketball?" I hate the northeast. Today someone told me, "I hear football's a really big deal down south. It's like a religion." You know, sweetheart, for once, you're right. It's not a religion to me, but it is like a religion to you, you soulless clam. I believe in football more than you believe in God. Have a nice life.*

- Ricky Jean-Francois, defensive MVP, is going to pace it next season, provided that LSU remembers to enroll him in enough sociology classes for him to pass. When Chris Rose asked him about his "off-season problems," it seemed like he had to think for a second to decode it. To be fair though, losing academic eligibility shouldn't be described as "off-season problems." From the way Rose said it, you would think Ricky electrocuted dogs or something.

- Louisiana racists suddenly have lots of ammo. Matt Mauck, a guy doing radio broadcasts now, and Matt Flynn, a guy who will be playing Sunset Riders deep on someone's depth chart next year, won championships with us, while Black Jeff George, the once-in-a-lifetime physical specimen and number one overall pick, never did. Your move, Perriloux. No pressure. I mean, it's not like you have to single-handedly disprove the whole Black Guy/Athlete-White Guy/Leader fallacy or anything.


Athlete.

- I have no idea who Harry Coleman is. He filled in for Craig Steltz and apparently loves the media. Almost every sportswriter got a quote from him.

- LSU had four penalties last night, one of which was a delay of game they took to basically set up a better punt. Just imagine how much easier things could have been in games like Ole Miss and Alabama if they had averaged four penalties a contest instead of nine.

- Before the game LeBron threw his (Yankees) hat into the ring: “I’ll say 21-17, Buckeyes. They have a great passing defense and I think Akron’s own, Beanie Wells, is going to control the game.” Fuck you, King.

- This was a a rough season. I'm glad the most disquieting decision I have left is whether or not to pace the Sports Illustrated championship pack. This title season was much more agonizing than 2003, and in many ways I'm glad it's over. I'll admit that things feel a bit different and less sweet this time around--less grown men crying, even more bitching about the BCS from the peanut gallery of haters*--but I'll gladly take the championship. I'm relishing this because it won't always be this way, and I'll be there in the bad years too. For now though, congrats to LSU.


"Wipe his PAAAAAAACE!"

* Matty called me after the game from Bourbon Street, and the "have a nice life" count was in the double digits. I'm warming up to it.

* A playoff or plus-one system would not have made any difference this year, and could only have clouded the final outcome of this wacky season. Georgia can find some solace in being next year's champ. USC lost to Stanford at home, so I'm not even talking about them here.

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