Thursday, June 19, 2008

Celebrity Product Review: Mitch Williams Salsa

Remember Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams? He was a left-handed relief pitcher during the '90s, famous for his powerful but divergent fastballs and his dramatic, precarious delivery. In retrospect, he also had a melliflous mullet. He played for a bunch of teams during an eleven year career, but I had to check that on the Wiki-p just now. To tell you the truth, I know who Mitch Williams is for the same reason everyone else does.

He blew the 1993 World Series for the Phillies.

No homo on that celebration, Jays.

Considering that I watched it when I was nine, I have a pretty good memory of the game, and, to be fair, Wild Thing came into an exhaustingly long game for the meat of Toronto's lineup with one runner already on base. They had already lost all the momentum. And even if the Phillies had stolen this one, the only way they could have taken game seven is if they had pitched Curt Schilling, who was a beast in that series, on three days' rest.

Sadly though, Wild Thing was blamed for the loss and was inundated with death threats from Phillies fans. Most people believe he was traded for his own safety. He's been forgiven enough to appear on local commercials and Comcast Sports and whatnot, but his career was never the same after that one pitch. And life after baseball hasn't been too kind for Mitch either, since few teams want a pitching coach nicknamed "Wild Thing." Out of the fire forged by that suffering, however, rises the phoenix that is: Mitch Williams' Wild Thing Southpaw Salsa. I was at the Fresh Grocer getting movie candy when I came across the M.W.W.T.S.S, and I almost skipped The Incredible Hulk to go home and eat it. It was actually embarrassing how excited I was.

Two sittings. Don't worry about it.

The washed-up celebrity product market is one of many unwritten rules, especially if you're a washed-up celebrity who only appeals to men. If you used to be a famous athlete, your only options are foods that men would buy for themselves, since womenfolk have no reason to buy M.W.W.T.S.S. over Tostito's Chunky. Really. No reason. So your endorsement is limited to a) barbecue sauce, b) salsa, or c) alcoholic beverages. And even in the case of c, that alcohol can only be some type of high-priced liquor, like Sammy Hagar's tequila. I would kill my wife for Kirby Puckett Beer, but it just ain't going to happen.

Making a tasty salsa is a true science, which is strange since it is traditionally made from such simple ingredients. At the same time, it's way more expensive than those simple ingredients give it any right to be.* Add M.W.W.T.S.S. to this category. Along with a bag of Herr's Restaurant Style, my total was almost eight bucks.

When I took a closer look at home, the salsa proved to be thin goop:

No homo on the word "goop."

Although this does obviously add a light quality to the dip, which might be an advantage outside in the summertime, it ultimately makes it harder to scoop and less satisfying to eat. Exhibit A:

Don't get any on the Fan Up shirt, Tank! Don't take really unattractive pictures of yourself!

Supposedly, the better a salsa is, the more you can separate the taste of each ingredient in your mouth, which is certainly not the case with M.W.W.T.S.S. The tomatoes are pureed so much that everything else--mostly peppers and vinegar, since I didn't taste any onions--sinks into their soup. The one benefit this gives the salsa is that the seeds of the peppers are spread around evenly, so the dip is legitimately spicy.

The jar I chose had a strength of "wild," (wouldn't "high heat" have been catchier?) and I'm happy to report that the salsa had some nice, lasting kick. Of course, I'm from New Orleans, so "some nice kick" might mean that it's spicy enough to make the average person throw up. I don't know.

Unfortunately, I can't recommend Mitch Williams' salsa for anything but the kitsch factor. It appears as if his salsa business is...yet another strike against him. LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZ! (What the hell am I doing with this blog?)

*- The only thing priced more arbitrarily than salsa is ice cream. I understand that milk/cream is hard to come by, but the confusion comes in the pricing from size to size. A pint is between $3 and $5, which is already ridiculous, but a half-gallon is only a dollar or so more than that. How did you more than double the amount of ice cream for one dollar? Surely I'm not paying that much for packaging. Inflation on ice cream in general is baffling, and it doesn't seem as if the bubble is going to burst anytime soon. It seems as if Baskin-Robbins raises prices every few months, yet people keep going.


Anonymous said...

Has anyone escaped the wrath of Philly fans better than Mitch Williams? He blew 2 games that series but Citizens Bank Park has multiple "Mitch Williams Wild Thing Nachos" stands.

Anonymous said...

this is a hilarious article lol