Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Kobe Responds!

No, seriously. How's it taste?


RICK SLADE, promoter and manager of the New York City night club made famous last week by Shaquille O'Neal's freestyle, sifts through some papers and sips coffee. His phone rings.

SLADE: The Ten-Twenty Room, Rick speaking.

PUBLICIST (female voice): Good morning, Mister Slade. I'm Kobe Bryant's publicist--I spoke with your associate a bit earlier--

SLADE: I was just about to call you back. How can I help you?

PUBLICIST: Mister Bryant would like to arrange a visit with you guys just to kind of clear the air and make it completely obvious that what Mister O'Neal did was all in fun and that Mister Bryant has absolutely no problem with it.

SLADE: Um...okay. I could make the VIP section available for him tonight, and we could send a car to meet--

PUBLICIST: It wouldn't be tonight. As I'm sure you know, the NBA Draft is tonight, and Mister Bryant wouldn't want to be...I'm not going to say overshadowed, but let's be honest, all the basketball fans will be watching that tonight. So we don't think the proper attention would be paid to--not that he's planning to do anything news-worthy or anything, it's just--how about tomorrow?

SLADE: Sure. Usually our more prominent guests arrive just after midnight, when the club is really getting going. They don't want to be seen in an empty place, you know?

PUBLICIST: Hmmm. My only problem with that is that we would want to make sure all the photographers are still out. Not that Mister Bryant wants all the paparazzi to be there or anything. He doesn't want to make a spectacle, but he just wants all of his fans to be able to see him and enjoy hanging out with him. It's almost as if he wouldn't want to be in the VIP section.

SLADE: So should I...

PUBLICIST: No, definitely rope off the VIP section. Just in case. And, not to be too much of a bother, could you make sure that the DJ has an instrumental of Beanie Siegel's "The Truth"? Mister Bryant really likes that song--especially the instrumental--and it would be a really inviting gesture for him if you could play that at, uh, somewhere around twelve ten?

SLADE: Uh-huh.

PUBLICIST: And then Mister Bryant could maybe approach the stage and say hello to his fans. Not that he has anything planned--this would be completely off-the-cuff--but he loves whenever he gets a chance to talk to his fans. And he wants to be able to comment on this whole Shaq situation. Because Mister Bryant loves Shaq, and it would be a shame for your patrons to think otherwise. Why do I keep saying Mister Bryant? Kobe. Kobe, just one of the guys.

SLADE: Are you going to ask if his kids can come?

PUBLICIST: No, it seems as if we're all set. Oh, one last thing: Could you run a clip of Kazaam behind Kobe while he's freestyling? You know, if he were to decide that he wanted to get up and do that. In his freestyle, he might have something planned like, "Shaq, you're gay and I'm not/I don't know how your ass tastes, but it can't be a whole lot worse than Kazaam's plot (yeah)."

SLADE: That doesn't even sound good. The second line was so much longer than the first.

PUBLICIST: What can I say? That's why it's a freestyle. You can't plan these things.

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