Monday, July 21, 2008

The Passion of Favre: A Tragedy in Three Acts


But hey.

ACT I


EXT. FAVRE DRIVEWAY- MORNING

BRETT FAVRE, 36, is grizzled but sanguine. He wears nondescript clothes, including a taupe Nike Golf cap. He is positioning packages in the back of his station wagon, pushing them around to make room for more.

DEANNA FAVRE, late thirties, is dressed in something pink. She looks reserved and dignified as she squints at Brett in the summer sun.

DEANNA: Brett, baby, you almost ready? We gotta get to Huntsville before noon.

BRETT: Woman, I'm just 'bout ready. Mind your tone.

DEANNA: Well if you gotta go tinkle, now's the time. We're gonna be on the road a far piece.

BRETT: Woman, I told you I'm ready to go. I peed a lot of times already, and I'm done peein'. Let's hit the road.

DEANNA: Brett, baby, I just want to make sure 'cuz we have to make good time. Once we're on the road, we can't make any stops.

BRETT: Woman, get in the car. I don't have to pee, and if I told you once I told you a million times. I'm sure as a jaybird in the Mississippi mud.

The Favres get into the car and drive away.

ACT TWO



INT. FAVRE STATION WAGON- A HALF-HOUR LATER

Brett is driving and looks agitated. Deanna eyes him as he fidgets.

DEANNA: Brett, baby, what's wrong?

BRETT: Woman, ain't nothin'--okay. I have the itch.

DEANNA: Brett, baby, the itch?

BRETT: I...I think I might have to pee.

DEANNA: You said you didn't have to! Jaybird in the Mississippi mud!

BRETT: Woman, I'm fixin' to pull over. I really want to pee again.

DEANNA: Brett, baby, I thought we were making it to Huntsville without any stops.

BRETT: Woman, I said I didn't have to pee because you done talked me into it. You wanted to hit the road so bad and whatnot. Now I ain't never been more sure of anything in my life. I have to pee, and I'm pullin' over at this here pump station.

ACT THREE


Seconds away from spitting. (By the way, I'm southern by the grace of God, so it's okay if I make fun of people being country. If you do it, I'll get pissed.)

INT. GAS STATION- CONTINUOUS

A GAS STATION CASHIER is arranging some Sugar Daddies in front of his register when Brett bursts through the door.

BRETT: Woman, where's your pisser?

GAS STATION CASHIER: I reckon you can't use the lavatory 'less you make a purchase, sir.

BRETT: That's damn near ridiculous. I want to pee, and if you won't let me pee, then I'll just amble on over to that pump down the road.

GAS STATION CASHIER: Your car's parked in our lot though, sir. If he knows you're not a customer, I 'magine he'd tell you the same thing as me.

Brett is doing the pee-dance and eyeing the bathroom.

BRETT: Woman, I could buy and sell you! Gimme ten of them-there Atomic Fireballs and unlock the damned pisser!

The man does as he's told, and Brett runs to the restroom. He kicks the door in to reveal a boy sitting on the toilet. Brett throws him off and urinates wildly over everything in the room while screaming "Woo-hoo!"

After composing himself, Favre snatches the Atomic Fireballs from the counter without a word. Deanna is waiting for him outside and leaning against the car. As the door closes behind him, he says:

BRETT: Woman, think fast!

He tosses the keys to her but overthrows her wildly. COREY WEBSTER catches them in full stride and runs into the sunset.

THE END

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This has been the highlight of my day, hands down.
LT

P.T. said...

Excellent. I wish I could come up with things like that last line.