Friday, July 25, 2008

Oddsmakers: Where Can New Orleanians Expect a Jeremy Shockey Sighting?

The title's pretty self-explanatory. Jeremy Shockey has been known to drink a few; New Orleans has a lot of bars. Let's get to the math.

Oz ..... 120,000:1

During his first month in New Orleans, after teammates have gone out and gotten to know each other, Shockey will ask Martin Gramatica if he frequents this place.

I realize I've missed an obvious one, since Randall's our new hybrid strong safety/cornerback/free safety/always-out-of-place guy. He's off limits though, no homo.

Winston's Pub & Patio ..... 35:1

On the off chance that Shockey follows a single twentysomething nurse around for the duration of an entire evening/night, he'll probably wake up without his socks on in some Old Metairie elementary school playground. He'll note the impressive yet unpretentious architecture of the surrounding neighborhood and make a mental note to investigate their asking prices.

Goldmine Saloon ..... 15:1

Women absolutely love this place, so Jer's along for the ride one night. Upon entering, nearly every party makes a beeline towards the Flaming Dr. Pepper bar. Jeremy's kind of apprehensive at first-- there's no way that shit tastes like Dr. Pepper-- but is nonetheless floored. He orders about eighteen more and makes a dogleg towards the rubbing-genitalia section of the establishment.

Red Eye ..... 12:1

Just because of another similarly-coiffed New Orleans athlete (since departed?) who has been known to frequent the Twentysomething F&M's.

I think Tank secretly likes the Nuggets' acquisition-- it forces him to make even more NBA Live trades now.

Republic New Orleans ..... 9:1

Shockey will quickly learn that in New Orleans, favorable drink specials don't always necessitate a trashier crowd. Jon Vilma, during their first weeks in the city, will apprehensively drag Jeremy out for a Throwback Night one Friday before football season. They'll stay for a couple cocktails then head towards classier fare at some random hotel bar...

Whiskey Blue ..... 6:1

... like Whiskey Blue. The first thing Shockey notices is the oversized bed lying in the exact middle of the dance floor. He jokes with Scott Fujita about its potential for use by the end of the evening.

Scott Fujita seems like the type of guy that rode in every parade that asked him last year.

Carousel Bar ..... 5:1

A likely candidate for Shockey's "chill" bar. Don't front though, he just simply thinks it's fucking cool that it's rotating the entire time. After a few drinks, it looks completely stationary!

Ampersand ..... 2:1

At the most New York- or South Beach-like club in the city, Shocks will often roll up to the club, cut the line, greet the doorman, enter the bar then quickly exit, just because he can. He laughs at the $15 cover charge. When actually staying, he'll hightail it straight to the VIP section and order a bottle of Beefeater gin. Really though, I can already envision the "Come Celebrate Jeremy Shockey's 29th Birthday at Ampersand featuring special guest Flo-Rida" poster as facebook profile pictures during the entirety of the next season.

The Saints are making a concerted effort to become the 2001 Miami Hurricanes, and I'm completely fine with it.


Jacory Harris said...

If the Saints find a way to acquire consumate team player Ken Dorsey to take over 3rd string QB and hasten Tyler Palko's inevitable AFL career, I'm dropping out of law school to follow the Saints and relive one of my favorite Hurricanes teams of all time.

Will said...

I'm pretty much floored that you managed to make a list of 504 bars where I've never been to a single one.