Friday, August 08, 2008

Who Would You Smash on the USA Basketball Team?

(Seven beers- actually pretty damned paced.)

Our USA basketball coverage hasn't been too in-depth so far, though I have watched all the exhibition games and have some opinions. (How can a team that has such natural offensive chemistry have no communication on defense? Why isn't Deron Williams playing all forty minutes?) Hopefully that'll change with the actual Olympic games. For now, we'll really get in-depth with the players, and Wifey will answer the question, "Who would you smash?"

More importantly, "Who's the neatest?" (via Ball Don't Lie)

Wifey's thoughts and rankings. I showed her various pictures, and she ranked them and gave explanations. She recognized about half of the guys:

1. Dwyane Wade- "I'd stab. He's definitely number one--pretty hot. His eyes are expressive, and he's got the sexy lips, chin, muscles. Yeah."
2. Chris Paul- "He seems nice. Sweet, datable, and with really kind eyes. On the court he looks like kind of a short dude, but I know he's not compared to average people."
3. LeBron James- "I'd stab. He's a sweetie. If he weren't such a teddy bear, he'd be intimidating though, because of his build. He's got good arms. Arms are key. Some of these guys have too much shoulder, but Bron-Bron is just right."

4. Michael Redd- "He's All-American-looking, but I could still kind of take him or leave him. He's cute."
5. Kobe Bryant- "He's so slimy and greasy. I guess he's attractive, but he looks like a rapist. I say he did it. He looks like he plays slow jams and lights candles to set the mood and shit. Not my style."

Huge Jodeci fan. Huge.

6. Dwight Howard
- "He was the dunk contest guy? Too gangly. Nothing special."
7. Deron Williams- "Does he always have the freaky facial hair? He looks sort of shady with that, and the tats don't help."
8. Jason Kidd- "What's with this half-and-half shit? Is that racist? I don't know. His hairline is weird, and he looks like a guy who would have been friends with my dad in the seventies. I don't know what that means, but there you go."

9. Carmelo Anthony- "Because I've heard you make fun of him so much, I could never fuck him. I wouldn't be able to take his voice seriously. And he's got dead eyes."
10. Tayshaun Prince- [shakes her head for a minute] "Looks like a stretched-out version of some of the kids I taught last year."
11. Chris Bosh- "Looks a bit too much like Kells for me. He's too skinny, and I don't like the dreads."

Are you sure?

12. Coach K- "Mickey Mouse-looking. Not my style."
13. Carlos Boozer- "Eghck."

No W.H. Auden on this entire post.


Will said...

Having Wade #1 is unforgivable. "Wifey" is officially uninvited from my apartment...pretty much forever.

Tank said...

Who would you have smashed instead, Will?

Will said...

Coach K, obv (racism, lolz)

Anonymous said...

I love that Andee got in on this. Love it!