Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Chris Berman's Stream of Consciousness from April 30, 2008, as He Invents Nicknames for the First Round Rookies
"All right. Time for Boom to do what Boom does best. The name game, baby. That's what people look for from the Swam. God, I'm fucking awesome. Right off the top of my head, here we go:
"Jake Long. Long. Huey P. Long. Louisiana. Bayou. Popeye's. Chicken. Chicken is like duck. Long Duck Dong, like in Sixteen Candles. Jake Long 'Duck Dong'? No. Too gay. Sixteen Candles is too gay. Fuck it. Jake 'Huey P.' Long.
"Next one. Shit. His name is Long too. Chris Long. Howie Long. Radio Shack. Bad neighborhoods. Revolvers. Revolver. Beatles. Chris Long 'and Winding Road.'
"Matt Ryan. Jack Ryan. Harrison Ford. God, Harrison Ford is fucking awesome. Harrison Ford's the only guy more awesome than me. I'm awesome, but I'm awesome in the way that the boulder from the first scene of the first Indiana Jones is, not the way Harrison Ford is. I should see the new Indiana Jones. I hear Sean Connery's in it. Nazis. Oh, I got a good one. I'll come back to this one--
"Darren McFadden. Aladdin. Darren McFadden 'and His Magic Lamp.' And if he gets tackled for a big loss, I could say 'Hhhthaa Rrrrraidahs weren't McFaddin' on that play; they were McSubtractin'.' I'm hilarious. TJ's going to love that one.
"Glenn 'Lee' Dorsey. The job does itself when you're this brilliant. Gotta take a break to check some CFL box scores in the newspaper.
"Vernon Gholston. Nothing rhymes with Gholston. This needs to be a first-namer. Vernon. 'Hey, Verne!' Ernest Goes to Jail. Jailhouse Rock. Elvis. 'Hunk-a-Hunk-a' Vernon Gholston. And he's fat, so that works.
"Sedrick Ellis. Sedrick. Jason Gedrick. He was on that show 'Murder One' from last year or whenever. And The Last Don. Underrated. Daryl Hannah. Hannah-Barbera. Hong Kong Phooey. Hong and Kong sound like 'thong.' Underwear. Sedrick's 'of Hollywood' Ellis. Bam. Boom-er.
"Derrick Harvey. Harvey Milk. Twinkie defense. Wait, I'm not smart enough to know what that is. Wait, no one's reading this anymore. I could write anything, and it would just blend in with the rest of this shit. I've never found any real woman as attractive as the fictional Rory Gilmore. Fantasy football is a good three percent of the reason why I haven't killed myself in the past three weeks. I haven't repeated an outfit in a month, and I can remember exactly what all those outfits were. The song 'Piano Man' by Billy Joel always makes me cry because it reminds me of my parents' failed marriage and a Billy Joel concert they took me to right before they split up. There are a lot of famous movies like Gone with the Wind that I haven't seen, and I often lie about that. There's a good chance I'll vote for John McCain, mostly out of contrarianism, a fact I see as completely sane. I've never stolen anything, but I kind of want to. I actually do think I'm better than people who aren't religious, even though I'll claim that isn't true. I wish White guys could pull off earrings.
Keith Rivers...Keith Rivers...Keith Rivers..."