Sunday, September 28, 2008

Quarterback Controversies of the Future

This past season, Major League Baseball had about 302 different starting pitchers.

Already, in week five, the NFL has had 39 different starting quarterbacks. You're getting there, football. Way to go.

Doesn't this seem like a lot? P.T. has at least one column each year that's like, "What's up with all these terrible, unqualified quarterbacks? Surely there are people out there who are more competent than Ryan Fitzpatrick." I wouldn't say this is that column, but I would like to project possible scenarios for the rest of the year's quarterback changes.


Quality. Not quantity.

Week 6
- Jon Kitna is still too sore to go, so some guy named Dan Orlovsky takes over for him and leads Detroit to another lop-sided loss.

After Scott Linehan was fired in St. Louis, the interim coach there puts Marc Bulger back in, realizing that he had nothing to do with the Rams' slow start.

Week 7- Responding to pressure from the Dawg Pound, young Brady Quinn takes over for the winless Derek Anderson, who is more in-over-his-head than Sarah Palin. Quinn starts for the rest of the year and has some success, proving himself to be a passable NFL passer.

Week 8- Feeling as if he's on the hot seat, Houston's Gary Kubiak makes a panic move and subs Sage Rosenfels in for Matt Schaub. The Texans actually win, which is what happens whenever Rosenfels takes his first start of the season, but the next week's opponent watches some tape and figures him out. The Texans lose more.

Week 9- The Steelers' line keeps letting Ben Roethlisberger get hit, and he finally can't play for a week. Byron Leftwich or (fingers crossed) the ageless Chaz Batch plays in his stead.

In a misguided attempt to prove that he's in charge of the team, the new skipper of Htthhha Rrrraidahs replaces St. Jamarcus Russell with Andrew Walter, then realizes how dumb of an idea that was.


Although he looks pretty bad, I think Carson Palmer will start next week and the rest of the season. I guess I just couldn't go another second without posting this picture. What if I died tomorrow, and this photo was lost on my hard drive forever? I don't live with regrets, TANBRines. I just don't.

Week 10
- The Bears seem mediocre and Lovie Smith loses a bet, so he says to himself, "What the fuck? Sexy Rexy wasn't that bad, right?" Kyle Orton copes with his replacement by drinking himself into a coma. Grossman starts the rest of the year.

Week 11- Since he's almost forty friggin' years old, Kurt Warner suffers an injury. Matt Leinart, whose confidence has been completely sapped, has to sober up and start for a few weeks.

Week 12- Similarly, Jake Delhomme's surgically-repaired knee gives out, and Josh McCown is rolled out for the Panthers.

Week 13- The 11-2 first-place Saints are a few hours from gametime when Drew Brees saves an entire family from a burning building. He has to be treated for some minor burns, and southpaw Mark Brunell is forced to start the game for him. After the first quarter, however, Brees marches out Willis Reed-style and throws for 574 yards in a comeback win. It's pretty awesome.


I was going to make a joke about how the skin grafts used for the burns on his cheek ironically covered up that weird birthmark, but then I realized I can't make fun of Drew Brees. Look at him. Sitting A.C. Slater-style, smiling in that blue purgatory. I love that man way too much.

Week 14
- No quarterback changes. Sorry. I'm being realistic here.

Week 15- Because it's physically impossible for Donovan McNabb to play an entire season, Kevin Kolb is under center for the remainder of the Eagles' regular season. McNabb is back for the playoffs, only to self-destruct when it matters.

Week 16- The Chiefs, figuring things can't get much worse, decide to try out the Brodie Croyle era again. This post isn't as funny as I thought it would be.

Week 17- Because they've assured themselves of a playoff spot, a few teams, the Cowboys and--regrettably--the Giants included, rest their starters and hand the keys over to Super Bowl Champ Brad Johnson and heavyweight Jared Lorenzen, respectively. In a refreshing change, the Colts are still fighting for a wild card spot in the AFC playoffs, so we are not treated to the annual Jim Sorgi Fest.


"What? Me Worry?" By the way, I didn't know this until last year, but Jim Sorgi can't use his vocal chords. Not-so-fun fact.

That puts us at fifty-three, so I guess I may have exaggerated with that comparison at the beginning. Still, doesn't that seem like a lot?

1 comment:

P.T. said...

Man, we came thisclose to having Matt Flynn, former Victory Cigar, starting for one of the league's most storied franchises. Turns out, according to Travis, Aaron Rodgers is just "a pussy."