Sunday, September 07, 2008

Top Five Douchebags on Facebook with My Name

My real name is Christopher Bowes. I've never hidden that fact from my readers; for instance, the E-Mail address attached to the Blogger profile link is The name's a bit too Anglo-Saxon for my taste, and such a plain surname lends itself to a boring Christian name. Plus, the inevitable shortening of Christopher leaves me with the terrible sequencing of five letters ending in "s" and five letters ending in "s." Then again, I don't think anyone would buy Sergio Bowes, so I'm sure I'll give my son an equally bland name. (Right now I'm thinking "Charlie.") Thankfully, the name isn't too common outside of England, and at least I don't get other people's mail. It could be worse. (And apparently I'm the most computer-savvy of us, as I got the coveted GMail address.)

Anyway, one night I thought it would be a good idea to get on Facebook and friend everyone with my same name. Perhaps we could kibbitz over the common problems we've faced and join some kind of support group for dealing with the existential crisis we all must be confronted with as Christopher Boweses in this unsettling yet encouraging age. I was drunk too.

Turns out, like most people on Facebook, a lot of those guys were douchebags. Let's go to the rankings.


I kind of wanted my hipper-than-thou profile to be a cheeky number five, and I originally didn't have a problem with this Manchester Metropolitan University grad student; but then I saw that he had about ten of those "What Disney character are you?" quizzes. Seriously, man. Does your identity really revolve around you being most suited to live in Gryffindor if, you know, you were living in one of the Hogwarts houses? I'm a bit disappointed in his "Where I've Been" map too. If I were from Europe, do you know how many awesome countries I would have visited by now?

Number four is coming straight out of Tallahassee Community College, and, just so you know, he's "gezzzin' it." He says The Bucket List is one of his favorite films, but judging from the dutch angle on that profile pic, I'd say he's a student of Welles. If Lynyrd Skynyrd is one of your favorite bands, I think you should be able to spell them correctly, but I guess this guy is just too busy "driving fast" and "beach crusn." Considering that one of his interests is "9 mm," I'm going to stop here.


As if you needed any information besides that picture, this dude is a Sigma Nu president at FSU. Maybe I'm just jealous because he has 1,397 friends (!), but he works as a doorman and lives at "The Snakepit," so I'm going to rule "douche" on this. He has a lot of semi-racist bumper stickers on his profile, but on the other hand he seems to like The Dark Knight. In the end, for better or worse, Chris "El" Bowes makes me miss college.

In all fairness, this kid was born in late '91, and I was kind of a douche when I was sixteen too. He's from the UK and has more than twenty applications, to the point where you scroll and scroll without finding his wall. Plus, he uses this weird cockney-text writing in his profile that is the scourge of any English teacher. His favorite movies section reads like this: "i now pronounce u chuck and larry, nethin wit will ferell hes class! like da rocky movies, nd the die hard movies nd loads more!" Really, dude? You're too busy to write the letter "a"? And you live in England but don't use the Oxford comma? At least I know that not only the Americans are ruining our language. I was still okay with him until I learned he liked soccer and didn't have time to read.

1. [no picture available] There was this dude--his picture always featured him smoking a cigarette--who invited me to join the OMG! I'M A ZOMBIE! HELP ME EAT A VAMPIRE! application one too many times. I was left with no choice but to block him. Congratulations, dude.

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