Sunday, October 26, 2008

People From Georgia That I Don't Want to Die in a Fire

LSU mostly has itself to blame for its embarrassing loss to Georgia yesterday. For the second time this season, we let someone hang fifty points on us, and I don't care who you are, you're going to lose every time that happens. It's not a good sign when, on a long third down, I'm just hoping to not turn it over, let alone convert. Before the season began, every Tigers fan was trying to convince himself that he didn't need an exceptional quarterback for our system to work. While that's probably true, you do need one who won't turn the ball over and actively hurt you, and you do need a secondary who can, you know, defend a ten-yard post pattern. We didn't expect that to be as much of a problem as it is.

Anyway, even though I can't fault Georgia for the way they played, I still find myself saying things like, "I hope everyone in Georgia dies in a fire" today. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that isn't true. This is a list of Georgians I do not want to die in a fire.

Tebow did it first.

1. Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-Fil-A.
2. The family and acquaintances of my friend Tiffany--I don't know them, but it would make her sad.
3. Burt Reynolds, obviously.
4. Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice, who seems cool to me.
5. Gladys Knight, midnight train to, etc.
6. Jim Brown, if only because I like the one or two times a year when he pops up and says something racist.
7. Laurence Fishburne, but I'd reconsider if he keeps doing movies like 21. The Matrix bought him a lot of cred that every Biker Boyz since has undone.
8. James Dickey, poet and novelist. Few people write about the male obsession with violence as articulately as he does.
9. Larry Holmes, who was apparently awesome back in the day. All right, there are a lot of sports figures I like who are from Georgia, Dominique Wilkins and Gerald "The Jordan Stopper" Wilkins chief among them. I would have to take this on a case-by-case basis. Champ Bailey: you're okay. David Greene: fuck you. Frank Thomas: we had some good times together. David Pollack: your motor is no longer running.
10. Jimmy Carter. I guess.
11. Hulk Hogan, just for the memories of being a Hulkamaniac. Once again, this is a guy who seems to be inching closer and closer to my imaginary fire. (No homo?)
12. John Mayer--a lot of people make fun of him, but he seems like a really cool guy to me.
13. Carson McCullers: I haven't read any of his work, but he's pretty well-regarded.
14. My buddy Lewis. Almost forgot about you there, dude.
15. Little Richard, who is somehow still underrated.
16. Outkast. This is getting difficult. I can't believe I almost forgot about them. Can I just do a blanket anyone-associated-with-Atlanta-hip-hop inclusion? Except for Jermaine Dupri.
17. Julia Roberts? Eh. I really liked Closer.
18. Wayne Knight, as much for Jurassic Park as "Seinfeld."
19. Jack McBrayer--kind of annoying, but "30 Rock" is one of my favorite shows, so I would hate for them to have to "Suddenly Susan" an episode about what happened to Kenneth.
20. Spike Lee, even though he's asking for it lately. Do the Right Thing is one of the best movies of my lifetime.
21. Steven Soderbergh. Although he spent most of his life in Louisiana, so now we're getting sketchy.
22. Kenan Thompson--"incrayahblay! Zut alors!"
23. R.E.M.
24. Ryan Seacrest. Underrated. Sure, what he does doesn't seem complicated, but how many people do it? He's got something that no one else does.

Everybody else? See you in hell.

Iron and Wine- "Sodom, South Georgia"

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