"While you were in the bathroom, I was rooting around in your Trapper Keeper for all your rookies. OMG j/k!"
None of the other kids like Washington because his dad is rich and just buys him whichever individual players he wants from the card store. He never has to open packs to find the stars. Plus, he eats his boogers. Washington's parents are going through a rough divorce, so his dad is trying to buy his loyalty. On alternating Thursdays, he takes Washington to the card shop and tells him he can get whatever he wants. Washington decides on Albert Haynesworth for $100 million. His dad then throws in Deangelo Hall for $54 million, but only under the condition that the card stays at his house.
Did Mommy's friend spend the night?
Like many kids who have been collecting for a long time, Philadelphia's main problem is that he doesn't have enough room in his binder for all the cards he owns. It's going to be a while before his mom can get him new plastic sheets from Sam's Club, so he has to get rid of some of his cards to give his favorite players prominent placement. He had Brian Dawkins in a center slot for years, but he has to throw the card away since the new Upper Deck series came out. He just doesn't have room.
Seattle was out for three weeks with the chicken pox, so he was out of the loop when he returned to the card shop. With the money he saved up over the three weeks, he bought an insert TJ Houshmandzadeh card for $45 million and hurried home. Later, when he checked his Beckett guide, he realized that he was thinking of an older card. He overpaid.
My dad had a hang-up about pogs with skulls on them and always commented on players with tattoos. Hopefully, someone out there is discouraging greasy ponytails.
New England Patriots
New England has doubles of some really good cards, so he tries to swing a few deals with other guys to unload them. Since he has a complete set filled in on his checklist though, he decides to deal Matt Cassell for Snackwell's Devil's Food Cakes. As anyone knows though, Snackwell's Devil's Food Cakes are quite unpredictable. If they're kept below room temperature by the kid with the tiny Igloo ice chest for a lunch box, they can be delicious; but if you get them from some sweaty brown bagger, they're gross. New England decides to take the risk with Kansas City but then kind of regrets it. He almost trades for Denver's Oreos but calls it off at the last minute, to which Denver says, "You're not coming to my birthday party."
Houston doesn't have a father and knows nothing about sports. On a whim, he decides to start collecting football cards. On his first trip to the card shop with Detroit of all people (the kid whose parents are being investigated by DHS because he smells like pee), he finds a Dan Orlovsky on the floor near the trash. He makes the mistake of asking the owner the price of the card, and the guy tells him, "You touch it, you buy it. $9.15 million."
Not having a father.
New York Jets
Other collectors in the class know that New York is a sucker when it comes to stars at the twilight of their careers. He has a brother who used to collect football cards but gave it up, so all of his information is a few years old. Everyone thinks he can pawn a Ray Lewis card off on New York, especially since it's a hologram. After taking a close look at the card, however, New York questions its condition. Sure, it's a hologram and everything, but it's kind of scratched up and inauthentic, like it came from a cereal box or something. He thinks better of it and gets Bart Scott instead for $48 million, rubbing it in by repeating, Handi-Snacks dribbling from his mouth, "I'm so glad I didn't waste all of my money on that stupid hologram card."
Minnesota sits in the corner, sipping from his pink lemonade 10-K and scratching up desks with a protractor. The other kids try to include him, offering great trades just to be nice, but he declines with a simple "I'm good." Everyone suspects the worst.