Monday, April 27, 2009
Chris Berman Prepares His Nicknames for the New Draft Class
"Time for the Swami to work his magic, do what he does best. These rookies better know where their bread is buttered. Before I built this network from the ground fucking up, the draft was just thirty dudes in a circle flipping coins. It was like the average joe's fantasy football draft, which was also my em-effin' brain-child. Whatever fantasy football is.
"Let's play the name game. First, we got Matthew Stafford, who signed with the Lions for six years/seventy-something Bermans. Yeah, I just invented that. Stafford. Stafford. Let's see. If he gains some yards, I could say it's a Staf-ford pick-up. Like a truck. Stafford. Staph infection. Vaginas. Vaginas...I'm going to come back to this one.
"Jason Smith. He got picked by the Rams, so I could say, "Instead of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, it's Meet Me in St. Louis!" That's fuckin' hilarious. TJ's probably going to ruin a broadcast from laughing too hard. What would my audience do without my awesomeness? As for his official nickname though, Jason Smith is kind of boring. Smith is like a blacksmith. Blacksmiths use fire. Fire is what it feels like when I pee. Vaginas...
Where are they? Purgatory?
"Tyson Jackson. This one I can do. Tyson "I'm Sorry Ms." Jackson? No, I have no idea what that means. "Iron Mike" Tyson Jackson? That's a bit more Boomer, but I can come up with something better. "Action" Jackson works, but I'm sure I've used that on some other guy named Jackson at some point in time. Being fucking awesome for twenty-five years presents problems like that. Jackson Pollock. Dripping. Vaginas. Dammit.
"Aaron Curry I can do. The other ones need some extra awesome, but I can handle this one in my sleep. Curry reminds me of currying favor. A favor you might need is disposing of a dead hooker. After you kill a hooker you might go out for Indian food. Aaron "Spicy" Curry. No faggot. Good enough. Vaginas."
"Jay Cutler? Who let you in here?"
"It's Coolio. I was down here doing an interview, and I asked where my fav TV personality and Nutrisystem spokesman was. Mike Golic wasn't here, so I wandered over, figured maybe I could help you with some of them famous nicknames of yours."
"To be honest, I was having a little trouble. These names are hard."
"Back at Vandy that was kind of my specialty. I had a lot of nicknames. People called me 'Cutty,' 'Cut-up,' 'Cutty-Buddy.' All types of shit."
"I would have called you 'First Cut-ler Is the Deepest.'"
"Like the Sheryl Crow song. Looks like someone's got his groove back. The next pick is Mark Sanchez."
"Back where I'm from, we would have just called his ass 'Dirty' Sanchez. Maybe 'Filthy' Sanchez."
"What's that mean?"
"I don't really know. But I learned from you to stick with the first thing you think of, so let's move on. Wasn't there a guy called BJ that got drafted?"