Thursday, April 09, 2009

Jay Cutler, upon Arrival in Chicago



Lemme tell you somethin', broseph. Hold on, lemme un-cock my visor, give it to you straight.

Alright. Lotta people been askin' me about why I'm so happy to come to Chi-City, why I'm happy to get rid of that buzzkill Josh McDaniels. I'mma tell you exactly why. I got a lot of reasons.

First off, what kind of history does Denver have? I was a Human and Organizational Development major at Vandy,* not history, but I'd like to think I know a little bit about a little bit. Denver's got some gold-rushin' shit and that's it? Chicago, you got that bigass fire, you got that museum with that painting that has all those little dots that Ferris Bueller stares at. Devin Hester and me are gonna check that out ASAP.

Speaking of Devin Hester, who is totally my friend, that's another thing about Denver. There aren't any black people. I have a lot of black friends from...when Vanderbilt played other schools, and I always felt like we were gettin' stared at whenever we went out to T.G.I. Friday's or whatever. Like, I'm just tryna' eat my Jack Daniel's ribs or whatever and I feel so uncomfortable. Now I even get a black coach. How you like them apples?

Speakin' of eating, I don't have to adjust my Hamburger Helper recipes for high altitudes anymore either, podnuh. Suck on that, McDaniels. I ain't wastin' no more water on my beef stroganoff.

So I'm still gonna be shittin' out dollar bills and slingin' the shit out of Hail Mary passes. Only difference is that instead of bein' compared to that horse-face John Elway, now I get compared to Steve Walsh or Chris Chandler. At worst Jim McMahon. So, yeah, I think I'll trade powdery snow for slushy snow, 'cuz skiing is for suckers who can't sling the shit out of a football anyways. Cutler out.

*- This is true.


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